Return the monke | /r/Greentext | Greentext Stories | Know Your Meme

Anonymous <3 107 KB JPG 07/27/21(Tue) 07:07:21 No.64729773 >be me >middle school >teacher is talking about std's >says you can only catch it by having relations with someone else >I conclude this is a fallacy since there had to be someone who had it without having sex and he's the one who started it >ask the teacher >"you can catch it by having sex anon" >know he didn't awnser the question on purpose but whatever >flash forward to now >i now know how patient zero caught aids >mfw my teacher didn't have the heart to tell me someone f----- a monkey

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File: democratic party USA.png (47 KB, 1050x1024) For my r/greentext lurkers Anonymous (ID: S+5L+4sx 11/08/24(Fri)11:46:43 No.487728217 ► > base worldview on explictly hating men, white people, religious people, traditional people, conservative people, cisgender heterosexual people, rural people, etc > base worldview on telling blacks and immigrants that the only way they can hope to aspire to anything in life is by being uplifted by a white savior and their DEI programs > continuously alienate the above groups by dismissing all their concerns (caused by your direct insults and condemnations) as fascism, toxicity, fragility > continuously deny any outlet for dialogue/dissent on media/social media/campuses > continuously produce culture that alienates these groups further (like how in all modern remakes/reboots beloved male characters get blacked, gender swapped or turned into alcoholic p------) > alienate corporations by making them lose loads of money because you forced them under threat of cancellation to adopt your rhetoric > literally kill yourself when the above people vote against you I'm not even going to ask if they're retarded because I know the answer.

Anonymous 30 KB JPG Scrabble 11/07/24(Thu)22:49:06 No.927102124 >masculinity so fragile >Now let me call you a Nazi, some of the most deranged and brutal psychopaths to walk the earth >Demolished in a land slide election >Cries into phone for 30 min on social media using the most pedantic and esoteric psychobabble cooked up by a lobotomized ape having a epileptic fit during a game of WE ARE GOOD AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS, WHY DON'T YOU AGREE, NAZI

: Anonymous 84 KB JPG 04/16/22(Sat)20:52:07 No.876397732 Heard joke once >"Man goes to doctor. >Says he's an incel. >Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone, no gf. > Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. >Ryan Gosling is in town tonight. > Go and see him. >That should pick you up. >Man bursts into tears. >Says, But doctor... he's literally me"

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Outhouse Rock | /r/Greentext

Board /r9k/ - ROBOT9001 Anonymous 58 KB PNG >Takes a s--- >Dies

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Going Insane | /r/Greentext

Board /r9k/ - ROBOT9001 Anonymous ▼Settings Mobile Home 08/09/24(Fri)17:27:22 No.78443704 >Too hot under blanket >Remove blanket >Too cold 403 KB PNG

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Anon loves his mom | /r/Greentext

Anonymous baby pepe 79 KB PNG 08/24/19(Sat) 18:59:13 No.807925714 comfy saturday thread. i'll start >be me >mom is going out of town for weekend >i get off work at 4 yesterday >mom texts me >"hey anon! i went shopping for you. There's a $20 on the table and I also got pop tarts and chocolate milk for you. I'll be home sunday night. I love you sweetie." >i come home and sleep all night >wake up, 6:37 >chocolate chip pop tarts in cabinet >single gallon of chocolate milk >microwave pop tarts >pour choccy milk >poptarts are warm >milk is sweet >watch the sunrise w/ chocolatey breakfast in hand >play vidya the rest of the day >wake up today >repeat how's your weekend going anon? t-thank you mom. i love you

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Anon visits a National Park | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 8 KB JPG >Be me 08/09/24(Fri)15:14:05 No.4855843 >Go on class trip to a National Park (forget which one) >Get paired up with a guy who looks like a hipster. >In the lobby he complains about seeing a beer ad because they're "destroying the environment" and "enabling domestic violence". >Once we're on the trail he just mentions he's a feminist out of nowhere. >A quarter down the trail he asks what we're doing to save the environment. >He talks about how he lives in a shack with no power and only charges his phone at work. >When he asks me what I'm doing to save the planet I just say, "Global warming is a hoax". >He hits me with the climate change semantics and questions my other classmates. >We keep walking and eventually I get bit by a mosquito >He scolds me for killing it and says I'm hurting the planet. >Halfway down the trail he disappears and we don't see him again (even after returning to the building we started in). Arguably one of my strangest 9th Grade memories. What exactly was that guy's job anyway? All he did was act as a minor annoyance.

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Subway vice | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/05/24(Mon) 16:08:24 No.20730570 SUBWAY SUBWAY #WHERE SUB HERESUPERHEROESEAT SURWAY download (5).jpg 108 KB JPG >Be me >14 >At Bible Camp >Pastor is preaching a sermon >Phasing in and out >He starts talking about vices >"Without Jesus everyone has vices. And those vices are easily replaced with more harmful vices. Take Jared Fogle for example. His vice was overeating. He gave that up without Jesus and his new vice became r----- children." I don't remember the rest of his sermon but 11 years later that's the only time I've heard Subway or Jared Fogle mentioned from the pulpit.

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Anon keeps it in the family | /r/Greentext

File: biflag.png (332 B, 290x174) Anonymous 08/09/24 (Fri)14:05:39 No.922624766 >>922624874 >>922624928 >be me >bisexual twink, late 20s >start dating big silver-haired 50-something divorced guy several months_later.jpg >we get engaged >suprisingly, family seems unbothered that I'm dating a man >his ex-wife is f------ livid, but nobody cares about her >his college-aged daughter is super cool with it >chalk it up as a win for the gay agenda, I guess >everyone was more concerned with the age gap than the gayness >get ALOT of crap about the age gap "Are you sure?" "He's twice your age!" "It's just weird..." "He could be your dad!" "You're closer to his daughter's age than his age!" "Is he paying you?" >f--- what other people think, I love my cuddly bear >start calling my hubby my "retirement plan" as a joke >dye my hair silver on our wedding day for the bit >fast forward a couples years and he dies in a workplace accident >lawyer calls regarding the will >assets include investments, savings, a condo, a cottage and life-insurance policy >decent payout, enough to retire >but I'd rather have my big furry guy >split 50/50 with his daughter >we agree to sell the condo but keep the cottage >after the funeral she and I have a week at the cottage to process our grief >we have sex >we start dating YearsPass.wav >a relationship blossoms >we gett engaged >everybody loses their s--- "I thought you were gay!" "She's your step-daughter!" "She's so much younger than you!" >I cannot f------ win Anonymous 08/09/24(Fri)14:07:46 No.922624851 ►>>922625293 Serves you right for being a f >> Anonymous 08/09/24(Fri)14:08:31 No.922624874 ► >> Le heckin' fisherman 08/09/24(Fri)14:09:53 No.922624928 >> Anonymous 08/09/24(Fri)14:14:28 No.922625135► Le heckin' fisherman 08/09/24(Fri)14:16:25 No.922625215 Anonymous 08/09/24(Fri)14:18:06 No.922625293 ► >>922624851 What color is your cottage, breeder?

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Anon accidentally looks like a chad | /r/Greentext

42 KB JPG to me >be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of >at a school party >everyone's dancing, I just awkwardly stand there >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face >autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds >then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can >next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by such a lowlife >mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad >take that stacy

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Anon reminisces on the Halloween promo burger. | /r/Greentext

53 KB JPG >be me in October 2015 >Unsuspecting high schooler >go to Burger King for lunch because it's tasty >see they have a new Black bun A1 Whopper for Halloween >order one to try it because ehh why not >it's immaculate in flavor and design > order a second one to go >later that evening have to use the bathroom >s--- and wipe >get up to flush and catch a glimpse of my turd, it's bright neon green >think nothing of it > next day happens and I bring my friends to BK with me, we all get an A1 Whopper >later that night in the group chat all my friends were freaking out about neon green s---- >turns out it was because of the food dye in the buns BK please bring that burger back

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anons parents try and make him pay for things he shouldn't have to | /r/Greentext

>be autistic 21 year old robot in college >turn $21,000 into $360,000 by pure luck 33 KB JPG >recently tell my parents after keeping it a secret >demand I use it to pay for sisters college >sisters student loans are at about $55,000 for a f------ sociology degree >act like I'm being selfish for wanting to keep the money I earned I genuinely feel resented by my family. For the first time in my life I achieved something that I felt truly proud of, and they immediately shame me for not sharing my success with my slut sister.

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Anon is a bully. | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 08/09/24 (Fri)08:09:30 No.78438981 457 KB PNG >be me >bully some random weird girl back in high school >laugh about it with the boys >graduate >go to college >meet new people >get degree >get job >meet new people >start building career >eventually forget all the people I went to high school with, except for the 5 bros I still hang out with >one day, some random chick messages me on facebook >oh s---, it's the girl I bullied 10 years ago >oh s---, I've been living rent-free in her head for the last decade >heart starts beating >mind starts racing >is she going to hit me with a lawsuit? am I f-----? is it over? >no, turns out she just spent the last 10 years flicking her bean to the thought of me pulling her hair, insulting her, and hitting her for s---- and giggles >that's weird as f--- but whatever >if she's dtf, it's all good Sun Tzu once said that if your enemy loots a sack of gold from your city, you should send an envoy to their king with a gift of two more sacks of gold.

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Why does the UK such so much? | /r/Greentext

47 KB JPG Typical everyday average British morning: >wake up >bobby knocks on door >"oi! open up you cheeky bastard and show me your sleeping licence!" >fumble around and finally find my licence >"s-sorry good sir. It's right here... God save the Queen." >bobby peers in and catches a glimpse of me telly >"halt! where's your TV licence you c---?!" >"draw TV licence from me wallet" >bobby gives a look like the bloody Queen's dodger >"oi mate! where's your permit for this licence?" >show him my licence permit >"this licence permit is expired. I'm taking you in!" >bobby draws his toy gun >stab him with my unregistered butterknife

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Anon commits a small amount of tomfoolery | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 08/08/24(Thu)15:45:12 No.36827767 >be me ftm >Have estranged sister >Became estranged before i transitioned > Match with her on dating app >Know it's her >She's clueless I just ate out my biological sister ama >>36827806 >>36- Anonymous 08/08/24(Thu)15:50:37 No.36827806 >>36827825 >>36827767 (OP) But why? >> Anonymous 08/08/24(Thu)15:51:38 No.36827814 >>36827825 >>36827767 (OP) How did she taste

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