Anon's dad is weird | /r/Greentext | Greentext Stories | Know Your Meme

>See's my sister getting ready >"going out?" >"Yeah, the Bae is coming to get me" (she f------ used Bae.) >"Oh i'd love to meet him, have him come in!" >sister brings bf in our house >my dad pretended he was in the bathroom. >he was in fact, slipping into something more comfortable >he walks out with my mom's bathrobe (giant fluffy white collar, about 3 feet to short for him.) >his speedo on. The speedo he never wore because it was way to tight, yet he saved it, just for this moment. >walks out >"OH YOU MUST BE JUSTIN" >reaches out for a handshake >kid grabs his hand >dad yanks him over and bear hugs him >"Ohhhh your hair smells nice, what is that? O'ley?" >kid is horrified >"uhhh..no.uhhh.c-can we go babe? we might be late" >they leave >my dad just looks over and says "Do you think that was legal? My balls are hanging out." %3D Best dad ever.

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File: democratic party USA.png (47 KB, 1050x1024) For my r/greentext lurkers Anonymous (ID: S+5L+4sx 11/08/24(Fri)11:46:43 No.487728217 ► > base worldview on explictly hating men, white people, religious people, traditional people, conservative people, cisgender heterosexual people, rural people, etc > base worldview on telling blacks and immigrants that the only way they can hope to aspire to anything in life is by being uplifted by a white savior and their DEI programs > continuously alienate the above groups by dismissing all their concerns (caused by your direct insults and condemnations) as fascism, toxicity, fragility > continuously deny any outlet for dialogue/dissent on media/social media/campuses > continuously produce culture that alienates these groups further (like how in all modern remakes/reboots beloved male characters get blacked, gender swapped or turned into alcoholic p------) > alienate corporations by making them lose loads of money because you forced them under threat of cancellation to adopt your rhetoric > literally kill yourself when the above people vote against you I'm not even going to ask if they're retarded because I know the answer.

Anonymous 30 KB JPG Scrabble 11/07/24(Thu)22:49:06 No.927102124 >masculinity so fragile >Now let me call you a Nazi, some of the most deranged and brutal psychopaths to walk the earth >Demolished in a land slide election >Cries into phone for 30 min on social media using the most pedantic and esoteric psychobabble cooked up by a lobotomized ape having a epileptic fit during a game of WE ARE GOOD AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS, WHY DON'T YOU AGREE, NAZI

: Anonymous 84 KB JPG 04/16/22(Sat)20:52:07 No.876397732 Heard joke once >"Man goes to doctor. >Says he's an incel. >Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone, no gf. > Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. >Ryan Gosling is in town tonight. > Go and see him. >That should pick you up. >Man bursts into tears. >Says, But doctor... he's literally me"

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Anon makes a thread | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/24/21 (Mon)08:53:40 No.63814410 >make a thread >a schizo who hasn't taken their meds starts posting in it >multiple times 17 KB JPG

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Anon tries to play warzone | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/23/21(Tue)17:28:15 No.850292647 > be me > download warzone > 194gb > f--- me > 125mb left PEPE OF DUTY > game tiem > 172gb update 56 KB JPG > what the f---

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Anon is looking for a gym | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/01/20(Tue)07:20:53 No.58663104 > looking for a new gym > ask the gym receptionist if their gym is based or cringe > she doesn't understand > pull out illustrated diagram explaining what is based and what is cringe > she laughs and says "it's a good gym 23 KB JPG sir" > buy a membership > its cringe

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Anon lives American dream | /r/Greentext

Life of the American male Anonymous (ID: ZANCZB4G E 12/30/16(Fri)12:48:56 No. 104915815 [Reply] >>104915909 >>104915961 >>104916124 >>104916937 >>104918894 >>104919185 >>104919345 >>104919399 >>104919453 >>104919598 >>104919609 >>104919749 >104919761 >>104919812 >>104920154 >>104920295 >>104920357 >be born >get the most sensitive part of your penis sliced off >get put on adderall at 13 >parents divorce >get put on anti depressants at 16 because stimulants have turned you into a zombie >apply for job >get passed over for women, and minorities >turn 30, kidneys break down from the years of anti depressants and stimulants >can't afford the cost of kidney treatment >die

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Anon gets a notification | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/24/21(Mon)09:06:47 No.63813861 turn-off-low-battery-warning-sound-notification-android-9-0- pie.1280x600.jpg 86 KB JPG >o boy a notification! >open phone >oh Settings Battery is low 1% remaining Turn on Battery Saver

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Anon joins a gang | /r/Greentext

Anonymous Wed 19 Sep 2018 23:38:13 No.780307617 Gang stories thread? Here's mine >Was involved in a gang in a small city in Ohio >We were called Sons of Ohio >Acted like we were some kind of small-time mafia 22 >Have a rival gang called The Clouds Get it, cause clouds block out the sun (son)? Yeah, we didn't think it was clever either 32KİB, 388x293, gang.jpg View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO >Leader of our gang was called "Love" Mahoy >Called me in to meet with him one day in the middle of March >Tells me some of our brothers in the gang are just pretending >Actually undercover cops trying to bring us down >Oh s--- >Tells me not to worry, he has a plan to take care of them, and the clouds at the same time >intriguing.jpeg >Over the next six months he slowly convinced the undercovers to come to our side >Guy's practically a cult leader by the end, has them performing loyalty rituals and s--- >All of them confess that they were undercover cops, pledge allegiance to the gang >He gives them a task to prove allegience >"Go to The Cloud's hideout and gun down every last one you see" >S---, there's no way they're gonna do that, we're screwed >F--- >After a few moments, they agree >"We're gonna do it on the 21st" >The next day is a bloodbath, it's all over the news. At least 17 people dead, including the undercover cops >Remaining Clouds run away, get the f--- out of town >Later that week cops surround our hideout, take me into custody >Get pulled into conference room >Good cop/bad cop routine pulled >Good cop finishes his shpiel, opens the door for the Bad Cop >Bad cop is a grizzled older guy >5 o'clock shadow, puts out a cigarrette as he sits at the table >Shines a lamp directly in my face, practically blinding me >Pulls my collar to bring me closer, get's right up in my face >Speaks in a rough voice >"Do you remember >the twenty first night of September >Love was changing the minds of pretenders >While chasing the clouds away"

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Anon gets out of a tight situation | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/24/21(Mon)08:09:30 No.63818374 > Be me, 16 years old, 2014 > Get into a really heated argument with some guy > My naive ass was being very cocky because he was skinny and like 1.65 (which is the average male height in Mexico, Yucatan, where this story takes 26 KB JPG place) > I'm of robust build and 1.85 meters tall > He pulls out a machete on me, because everyone living in a village has one > I pull out some stupid wrench I was carrying > What I expected to be a long lasting fight ends in one single swing, I hit his head and he lays motionless on the floor > I begin freaking out and I call an ambulance >I refuse to speak to the police > I'm not in a good economic situation in order to defend myself > I go talk with my uncle grandpa, he is one of the richest guys in the city > Huge house with exotic animals kind of rich > He tell me he will see what he can do to help > Two days later the case is dropped out of nowhere Mfw

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Anon is a self conscious retard. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/24/21(Mon)02:04:39 No.855171985 >Be me >diagnosed by doctor with severe anxiety. The steward on a plane could walk fast and l'll think we're gonna crash type s---. >go on one of my rare walks outside cause I need that vitamin d 75 KB JPG >go past a small group of guys >hear them start laughing. >think they're laughing at me, brain starts panicking. >start thinking of everything I could've done, my walk was weird my clothes are boring, etc. >l can't stop think about it, making me go insane >Can't take it anymore and give in like a retard >yell from across the street "A- Are you guys laughing at me?" >they look at me with confusion. >"the f---? No!" >now they are laughing at me. >go straight home >cry and scream into my pillow >stay indoors for the next week. Why does my brain hate me, I want to kill myself.

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Anon loves McChicken "sauce" | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/24/21(Mon)05:44:03 No.855181970 For me, it's the McChicken. The best fast food sandwich. I even ask for extra McChicken sauce packets and the staff is so friendly and more than willing to oblige. 27 KB JPG One time I asked for McChicken sauce packets and they gave me three. I said, "Wow, three for free!" and the nice friendly McDonald's worker laughed and said, "I'm going to call you 3-for-free!". Now the staff greets me with "hey it's 3-for-free!" and ALWAYS give me three packets. It's such a fun and cool atmosphere at my local McDonald's restaurant, I go there at least 3 times a week for lunch and a large iced coffee with milk instead of cream, 1-2 times for breakfast on the weekend, and maybe once for dinner when I'm in a rush but want a great meal that is affordable, fast, and can match my daily nutritional needs. I even dip my fries in McChicken sauce, it's delicious! What a great restaurant. >>855182092 # >>855182143 # >>855182197 # >>855182236 # Anonymous05/24/21(Mon)05:47:00 No.855182092 p.855182040 >>85518197 # >McChicken sauce so mayonnaise anon.

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Anon goes to therapy | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/24/21(Mon)12:00:30 No.63816341 >speaking to therapist >so you talked about using the computer a lot... tell me what sites you go on 41 KB JPG

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Anon visits his grandpa | /r/Greentext

File: boko_mika_and_shimada_ar(.)ipg (120 KB, 1004x654) Anonymous 01/30/17(Mon)05:46:45 No.5104860 [Reply] >>5104870 >grandpa is 95 years old >was in a British tank batallion during WWII >was stationed in Europe several times during the conflict >was always a role model for me, and a tough guy to heart >go visit him the other day at his beach house >brought my laptop with Girls und Panzer on it >thought he would think it fun that old tanks from his time are now used in popular culture >tell him I have something to show him >start with first episode >he just sits there with a blank expression >half way through the episode he asks me to stop >asks me to leave him alone >he retreats into his study mumbling something like This is what i fought for. >haven't heard from him since what do I do? I didn't mean to upset him. I really don't want to be unfriendly with my gramps in his last years. Anonymous 01/30/17(Mon)05:55:04 No.5104870 >>5104860 (OP) I think a part of me died while reading this.

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More than likely a repost, can't not share it though | /r/Greentext

>be 15 >had an older goth chick (bout 21-22) who was into a--- play >still a virgin >go to her house >makeout and fonddle >she guides me what to do >she pulls out a--- bead >didnt know what that was >was instructed to just keep putting it in >was told to put lube on it >didnt realize this means to put lube on the whole thing >mfw I only put lube on the first bead >she moans while I insert like 8-9 beads in >im still confused as to what this is supposed to do >she says "now pull it out" >being the kid me, I didnt know she meant slowly and sexually >mfw I pull it out like a lawn mower >bitch got on all fours on the floor shaking >feces and blood everywhere >she starts freaking and told me to get the f--- out of her house >i run on the neighborhood wearing boxers >i cried at home

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