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12,010 of 12,664 people found the following review helpful My Dinner With Andrea By @StuPurdue on November 21, 2013 Size Name: 3kg I'm pretty sure Andrea ('ll call her) agreed to have dinner at my apartment only because I always spoke to her using nothing but my two- years-of-high-school German. Her English was perfect. Probably better than mine. But the fact that I could only ask her directions to the Autobahn or inquire about the health of her non-existent Tante Amelia, seemed to make me appealing to her in a sweet and non- threatening way My intentions, however, were considerably less child-like. Which is why the shopping that night was done at one of those upscale groceries with an international flair. Moules Marinieres is as much of a panty-peeler as anything I can cook, and isn't that hard to pull of But still, I was busy tracking the recipe in my head when I found myself in the sweets aisle. And that, to my great chagrin, is why I didn't immediately notice the difference between Haribo Normal Gummi Bears (which are designed for human enjoyment) and Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears (which are designed for use in maximum security prisons as a way to punish uncooperative inmates) l shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHANT without SHAT.) Prior to Andrea's arrival, I sat in my living room, creating a playlist of make-out music and nervously binging on the Gummi Bears I hac placed in a decorative bowl because I am fancy The doorbell rang, and within minutes we were standing in the kitchen, drinking beers and both of us probably worrying that we were about to exhaust my ability to communicate in her native tongue. But soon that would be the least of my worries. In the middle of trying to ask Andrea if she likes to dance to young people's music, I felt a flutter in my midsection, accompanied by a guttural pronouncement so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice Maybe it was because I was mentally refreshing my language lessons, but it suddenly struck me how much pre-diarrheal grumblings sound like German words "ENTSCHULDIGUNG!" was the next thing uttered by my rapidly clenching stomach. Appropriately, Andrea looked up in response "Sind Sie Kaffee machen?" she asked Am I making coffee? I thought I must have mistranslated her at first, then finally I realized that yes, the loud, ominous gurgling coming from my gut could easily be mistaken for the percolating of some bachelor's crappy coffeemaker. It's remarkable how quickly one knows that one is about to have a traumatic pottymaking experience. Maybe that's the body's way of buying you the precious seconds you need. I was already calculating the number of steps to the bathroom, speculating on whether l would have time to lift the lid to the toilet, when my own voice cried out loudly in my head She's going to hear EVERYTHING! Thanks to an acoustical idiosyncrasy in my building, the hallway outside the bathroom works as an amplifier pointed straight at my living room-slash-kitchen. So that somehow even the gentlest tinkle sounds like I'm pouring lemonade out of a bucket With only half an idea of what I was doing, I grabbed Andrea's hand and pulled her roughly down onto my sofa. I must have looked like a madman as l booted up my iTunes playlist, plugged in the gigantic new headphones I had just bought to keep me looking young and hip and clamped them down over her ears. (the sweat forming on my brow and upper lip couldn't have helped.) In response to her nervous expression, I kept shouting "You'll love this! You'll love this!" l spun her around so that she was looking out the window. My "plan" was that she'd be so distracted by the modest 4th floor view, that it would allow me headphones. (this story will be reprinted in its entirety as a 5 star review on the Sony Beats Audio Amazon page.) As I slammed the bathroom door shut, already half naked, it occurred to me that I had not been shouting "You'll love this!" at Andrea. I don't even know how to say that in f while l sprinted down the hall, silently singing the praises of the noise-reducing quality of my new speration I had been saying "lch Leibe Dich!" Repeatedly pro ing my love for h c voice. But maybe that ta room about the ing white-knuckle bowel movement that h in other reviews on thi adiective "Kafka d of Act One of this private torture-p--- movie, I was confes crime in history. Praying I would stumble solved upon the one that would satisfy my invisible captor zed that I had more than And about. We t whiff of the weapons wou have never looked down into a bro ilet with more horror in my ppe Ge ppe reached for the plunger, but my h marks. Apparently l had used the wooden handle ppen roce Amid the feverish, fruitl ance l did across my ti ny bathroom floor, it dawned on me that it had been more than a minute since my last I may have been light-headed and delusional, but I began to imagine a non-ignominious resolution to this ordeal. I just needed to get her the hell out of h hadn't fled the building, vomiting in terror, then l supposed I could pull up my trous s far away from this post-apocalyptic commode ible maybe I could even whisk Andrea away ndlel back toward the living room we tive. And not just because my sphincter felt raw and aw her figu r mouth agape wo miraculous i ctory. And whe glorious ave wiS The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down t "Du in one corner at the me. Acc within her Gl tract that s man wor bathroom door Comme revie

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8. From a review titled: "Excellent taste, in small portions." f the last of the 8 trips to t large volume of gas that my external a--- sphincter could not do it's job, and remained open/relaxed, while about 4.5-5 seconds of gas was expelled. I've never experienced, or even heard of that happening. It was so unnatural, that l had to check to feel if my colon had somehow passed through the a--- sphincter muscle." Via amazon.comm 9. From a review titled: "Gastrointestinal Armageddon” 93 "After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief." Via amazon.comm
☆☆☆☆☆ Rapture me, please lord, October 5, 2013 By Craig L-See all my reviews This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery) ☆☆☆☆☆ I can't get the smell out , October 7, 2013 By Sarah Oh See all my reviews This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery) ☆☆☆☆☆ slow painful death by Gummi Bears in an Airplane Bathroom, October 23, 2013 By ILike Ceesing in Luckytown) See all my reviews This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery) Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seatttle Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet Enough said. My advice.. Don't use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me 7 years ago. Help other customers find the most helpful reviews Repert abuse Permalink Comment
1,058 of 1,221 people found the following review helpful A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS!!, January 15, 2014 By Uncle Whitey - This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery) WARNING: This is a story of extreme success. Your results may vary My overbearing oaf of a boss loves snacks. He rarely takes a lunch, as it would interfere with his love of micromanagement. I can't tell you how many times he's buzzed me on the intercom with his mouth overflowing with crackers, jerky or whatever is within reach of his fat arms, all the while screaming at me from a mouth splattering food particles all over his desk and computer like a rain bird connected to a fire hose. The tech guys hate him too, simply for the fact that they have to keep replacing his crusted over keyboards nearly on a monthly basis Shortly before the holidays, I was told that my bonus was going to be reduced by over 90% this year due to the company not being able to hit an arbitrary goal, which happened to be set by my confounding boss in October. My friend Omar in accounting told me that we actually did quite well this year, and my boss was taking a much larger than normal bonus this year. Greeeaaaaat. While looking for cheap Christmas gifts for various staff members in my office, amongst the tubs of popcorn, I found these Gummy Bears of death. I so wanted to give them to my boss, but I could not risk him finding these reviews and tracing his loss of an intestine to me. Then I overheard him screaming over the phone at a contractor to having his new swimming pool and spa completed before the New Year, so he could have the deduction for this year's taxes. That's when I came up with HOLIDAY POPCORN OF DEATH: 4 qts. popcorn 1 1/2 c. sugar 1/2 c. white kard 1 c. butter 2 tbsp. vanilla 1 bag colored marshmallows 4 c. Killer Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears IMPORTANT: DO NOT TOUCH THIS MIXTURE WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. WEAR PUNCTURE PROOF LATEX GLOVES Add the popcorn to a washed holiday popcorn tin with all labels removed, seal with cellophane tape along the edge (this gives it the impression of being factory sealed) add a nice bow and card. Then eat the marshmallows while you laugh and think about all of the havoc you are going to cause A couple of days before Christmas, I distributed my popcorn gifts, and gave my boss his special batch, and went back to my office I walked by his office several times in eager anticipation, and around lunch time I heard his characteristic open mouth crunching and I saw that the popcorn lid was off. GO TIME! After the last employee left for lunch, I placed an OUT OF ORDER sign on the executive washroom near my office, and waited for the magic to happen. It didn't take long, maybe 15-20 minutes or so, when I heard a frantic try at the washroom door, and then heard my boss yell "SHIGUMMM!" as he hit the door. I peeked out my door to see him doubled over, and shuffling like a speared penguin whose life depended on holding his butt cheeks together. Popcorn particles were on the front of his shirt and in the corners of his grimaced mouth. Droplets of sweat had started rolling off his bald pate, and appeared to be mixing with his tears of pain His only option was to make his way to the employee restroom down the hall, but it required the use of a code that he never used After years of smirking after using the executive washroom, I thought to myself "Who's laughing now b%$"?" He shuffled his way to my office shouting my name (probably to get the code) but I had hidden myself under my desk "Unbelievable!" was the only thing he could say when I heard what sounded like a live cat being dropped in a bubbling stew pot while shooting a tommy gun. I looked under my desk to see soiled trousers drop on the floor of my office, as he defiled my shredder I started to feel bad for him and stood up, but was immediately knocked back down by a putrefied stench of an exploding blue whale that had laid in the sun for weeks. My gag reflex was vaporized and I spun yarn like Linda Blai nd Pazuzu's love child. Most nts before prolapsing. His eyes were open, bru nts le he bore pow The next thin without nding in m ath our miles ho thinkin left my keys, my rting Arle onist who W uncon round in ryone was in shock. I w d killed my boss by liquefying his insides with the power combo of roughage nd intestine liquefying gummies. I snapped out of it when Omar started shaking me saying: "Dude, you were in there, weren't you?" I nodded my head and he screamed "I found one! I found one! Hazmat!'" ed around the corner by two guys in s ha its and was put in a quarantine t tion. When the with the no symptoms the explained that my ntine for virus, or Influenza e inch of the office. Omar found her shortly ther r lunch, Arlene ell that ha trying t would ntine for no less tha and they need the offic the ground ryone in the off three months off with pa normal bonus. The find out tha ha but the fired him anywa y ror nting the office with his inna By the time they let us back in, the offices we on which incr but I finally got the ke utive wa Thanks Haribo
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