Amy tells us a tale | /r/Greentext | Greentext Stories | Know Your Meme

File: 150507-news-amy-schumer.jpg (49 KB, 349x509) Anonymous 10/17/15(Sat)14:22:14 No.646917109 ► >be me, Amy Schumer > get a crush on some guy who wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole > one day he drunk dials me > I go to his house. > he's so wasted he literally cannot make eye contact with me > 1, fully sober, walk over to him and initiate sex > he is so drunk he can't even stay erect > he falls asleep on more than one occasion > I keep having sex with him > tell this story at a feminist gala > feminists praise me for literally r----- a guy > mfw the media doesn't even care > mfw I get to host Saturday Night Live > mfw I have the gall to condemn Bill Cosby for doing the same s--- I did

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File: democratic party USA.png (47 KB, 1050x1024) For my r/greentext lurkers Anonymous (ID: S+5L+4sx 11/08/24(Fri)11:46:43 No.487728217 ► > base worldview on explictly hating men, white people, religious people, traditional people, conservative people, cisgender heterosexual people, rural people, etc > base worldview on telling blacks and immigrants that the only way they can hope to aspire to anything in life is by being uplifted by a white savior and their DEI programs > continuously alienate the above groups by dismissing all their concerns (caused by your direct insults and condemnations) as fascism, toxicity, fragility > continuously deny any outlet for dialogue/dissent on media/social media/campuses > continuously produce culture that alienates these groups further (like how in all modern remakes/reboots beloved male characters get blacked, gender swapped or turned into alcoholic p------) > alienate corporations by making them lose loads of money because you forced them under threat of cancellation to adopt your rhetoric > literally kill yourself when the above people vote against you I'm not even going to ask if they're retarded because I know the answer.

Anonymous 30 KB JPG Scrabble 11/07/24(Thu)22:49:06 No.927102124 >masculinity so fragile >Now let me call you a Nazi, some of the most deranged and brutal psychopaths to walk the earth >Demolished in a land slide election >Cries into phone for 30 min on social media using the most pedantic and esoteric psychobabble cooked up by a lobotomized ape having a epileptic fit during a game of WE ARE GOOD AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS, WHY DON'T YOU AGREE, NAZI

: Anonymous 84 KB JPG 04/16/22(Sat)20:52:07 No.876397732 Heard joke once >"Man goes to doctor. >Says he's an incel. >Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone, no gf. > Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. >Ryan Gosling is in town tonight. > Go and see him. >That should pick you up. >Man bursts into tears. >Says, But doctor... he's literally me"

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German anon tries humor | /r/Greentext

USBkistan.png (136 KB, 500x255) google yandex KASACHSTAN Aralsee USBEKISTAN Navoiy Buxoro 50 100 km Samarqa Qa mudaja KASACHSTAN hiz Adelunga Togh Balchaschsoo AFGHANISTAN KIRGISISTAN Namangan Andijont Ferghana- Farg'ona TADSCHIKISTAN CHINA PAKISTAN Anonymous >USBkistan | 31/05/23(Wed) 17:28:33 No.182611246

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Anon greets his coworker | /r/Greentext

File: pepe suicide.png (539 KB, 739x892) Anonymous 09/05/23(Tue)07:52:34 No.74632277 >>74632376 >>74632482 >been at my new job for 7 months >this cute girl Sydney works there >see her 3-4 times a week, she works in another department >try to say "whatsup Sydney?" or greet her when I see her >today I run into her >we talk for a little bit >I look down at her nametag >it says "Lauren" >I'm like "hah that's funny, your nametag says Lauren, why?", thinking it was a joke or something >"because that's my name?...." >mfw I've been calling this girl by the wrong f------ name for 7 months >she never corrected me or said anything about it im not gonna recover from this one...

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Anons thoughts while watching the dark knight | /r/Greentext

You make your own luck Screenshot_20230905-012918.png 554 KB PNG >be me >Watching dark knight >Kinda get uncomfortable seeing this dudes burnt face >Get the weird urge to take a bite out of that exposed tendon thing in his cheek >Imagine cutting it with scissors and s--- Like would it even hurt at that point?

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Anon cares about his privacy | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Google owns this planet, and o(...) 10/27/18(Sat)11:41:38 No.48940488 >Google doesn't care about GDPR or any regulations concerning the privacy and rights of their users >It literally says on the terms of Google that they take care of your privacy until the moment it's 3 KB PNG convenient for them not to >you all still not just use Google, but defend it "because it's useful"

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I was careless. He's on to me | /r/Greentext

Anonymous Not a cat 09/05/23(Tue)04:06:51 No.35804208 348 KB JPG This is a long shot, but I'm wondering if you know what this might be. This is my cat but he does lots of strange things and behaves like something masquerading as a cat that doesn't know how cats are supposed to act. I've had him 3 years now and he just gets stranger all the time. >Stands on his hind legs when he is alone >Makes strange noises like guttural talking with no stimulus >Not cat-like in his mannerisms, comes when you call him from anywhere in the house at anytime, not scared or skittish of anything. >Not scared on car rides or at the cet >Once caught him reading a book, like turned a paw with his paw and was staring with focus at the page. >I once said out loud that I thought he was not a cat and could see him get visibly irritated, started flicking his tail. >My child dislikes him and says they don't trust him, despite him being very friendly. >One jumped on the table and picked up a piece of bacon, threw it on the ground for the dog and proceeded to eat the rest right off the plate. Didn't drop it, actually tossed it to the dog. The most compelling evidence is when I catch him doing these strange things, he immediately stops and watches me. I don't think it's anything malevolent as he seems to like me a great deal (rescued him). What else could he be?

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Anon goes to a concert alone | /r/Greentext

File: IMG_7536.jpg (32 KB, 926x653) Anonymous 09/05/23(Tue)07:40:51 No.74632191 >>74632236 >>74632280 >>74632214 >going to $uicideboys concert tomorrow >dad walks into my room and starts making conversation >he ask if I'm excited for the show >I say yeah especially since it'll be my first ever concert >he ask if I'm going with some friends or a girl >I say no >I can see the disappointment on his face immediately >he jokingly says maybe next time he'll tag along >can tell he's still disappointed in me for being a 23 friendless Virgin >he then proceeds to awkwardly say goodnight and go to bed Damn it anons I wish things were different I hate seeing my father so disappointed in me.

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Walk a mile in my shoes | /r/Greentext

63 KB JPG 4 Replies / 1 Image >get rejected by my crush >she tells me I should try walking in her shoes >buy shoes similar to hers >everyone starts calling me f----- View Thread

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Anon orders cheese | /r/Greentext

i got to much cheese >Be me week ago >order some cheese online >my autistic ass orders 70kg by accident >ffw yesterday >be surprised about big and heavy package >it is all cheese >over square meter of cheese >mfw i got cheese for next few months But actually w-- can i do with this amount of f------ cheese?

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Anon's love story | /r/Greentext

go Being a guy is crazy cuz the moment you turn 13, youre competing with grown men for girls your age 174.0 Seen 2h (9/5 10:04) 905559052 5 Re 1 Img JPG 185KB (1080 x 1041) Screenshot_20230904_213256_Photos~ 2.jpg >be me > be 12 at the time >meet girl same age at local ice rink as I go skating every Friday and some Saturdays >we end up talking and makeout all night >ffw to a week later she tells me she wants to break up >broke my little 12 year old heart but oh well >talk to my friend about it >he says she's dating some guy with a car >w-- : >were both 12 so I assume he's 16 >later that night he comes to pick her up >dude has a full beard and tattoos >looks like he's in his late 20s maybe early 30s >he gets out, they kiss and he opens the door for her >they drive off into the night together >the following week her friend "S" tells me that they're having sex too >at 12 years old I had to watch a grown man steal my 12 yr old gf and he plowed her

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Camping on the roadside | /r/Greentext

:Anonymous 35 KB JPG 08/29/23 (Tue)05:30:25 No.4604178 >house centipede >Lives entirely inside your house What the f--- did these c---- do before houses were invented?

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Talking about generation | /r/Greentext

20m (9/5 7:34). 905552305 0 Re 0 Img JPG-54KB (537 x 720) 1671139765169.jpg ; Born in 1979. We'd roll down hills in tires, pile into my buddy's car and drive around town, dance in fields, stick our arms out car windows, go to a house party with my buddy's band playing live music, drink out of plastic cups, jump in the pool, throw toilet paper all over the neighbor's house and throw their lawn chairs in the pool, then stop by a corner store and get a slushie and beg strangers to buy us beer. It's sad that this generation will never experience the things I did as a kid.

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Anon Doesn't Want to be in Slytherin | /r/Greentext

☐ Anonymous 01/16/23(Mon)18:04:03 No.179287967 File: SLYTHERIN.jpg (107 KB, 862x575) >>179288080>>179289100 >>179289153 >>179287265 (OP) >"Not Slytherin, not Slytherin!" >Excuse me what the f---, who do you think you are, cheeky little s---, telling me where to put you? >"l-I thought I could as-" >You thought wrong, pervert, I see inside your mind, tugging your d--- while snorting your aunties knickers. Want me to tell everyone here, gobshite? >"No, no please!" >That's more like it, little f-----, Dumbledore has already "calmly" asked me over and over again to put you in Gryffindor. I think I'll piss in his cereal, so to speak, and yours, by saying >SLYTHERIN! >Dumbledore bellowed and cursed and stampeded toward the hat, "I'LL S--- IN YOU FOR THIS!" >Forgetting Harry was still wearing the hat, Dumbledore lowered his britches and unleashed a typhoon of foul smelling excrement. >"I can't smell or taste, you senile nonce!" laughed the hat, while Harry drowned in filth calmly.

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