Anon tries baking | /r/Greentext | Greentext Stories | Know Your Meme

: Anonymous 3.16 MB JPG : Anonymous My brother buy a f------ hand mixer >>18987912 # 02/27/23(Mon)10:32:53 No.18987886 I've been beating this s--- for the past 15 minutes and it still isn't even close to reaching ribbon stage. f--- me, baking is gay Anonymous 02/27/23 (Mon)10:33:33 No.18987889 02/27/23 (Mon)10:40:40 No.18987912 >>18987889 # I don't give a flying f--- what your brother did.

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File: democratic party USA.png (47 KB, 1050x1024) For my r/greentext lurkers Anonymous (ID: S+5L+4sx 11/08/24(Fri)11:46:43 No.487728217 ► > base worldview on explictly hating men, white people, religious people, traditional people, conservative people, cisgender heterosexual people, rural people, etc > base worldview on telling blacks and immigrants that the only way they can hope to aspire to anything in life is by being uplifted by a white savior and their DEI programs > continuously alienate the above groups by dismissing all their concerns (caused by your direct insults and condemnations) as fascism, toxicity, fragility > continuously deny any outlet for dialogue/dissent on media/social media/campuses > continuously produce culture that alienates these groups further (like how in all modern remakes/reboots beloved male characters get blacked, gender swapped or turned into alcoholic p------) > alienate corporations by making them lose loads of money because you forced them under threat of cancellation to adopt your rhetoric > literally kill yourself when the above people vote against you I'm not even going to ask if they're retarded because I know the answer.

Anonymous 30 KB JPG Scrabble 11/07/24(Thu)22:49:06 No.927102124 >masculinity so fragile >Now let me call you a Nazi, some of the most deranged and brutal psychopaths to walk the earth >Demolished in a land slide election >Cries into phone for 30 min on social media using the most pedantic and esoteric psychobabble cooked up by a lobotomized ape having a epileptic fit during a game of WE ARE GOOD AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS, WHY DON'T YOU AGREE, NAZI

: Anonymous 84 KB JPG 04/16/22(Sat)20:52:07 No.876397732 Heard joke once >"Man goes to doctor. >Says he's an incel. >Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone, no gf. > Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. >Ryan Gosling is in town tonight. > Go and see him. >That should pick you up. >Man bursts into tears. >Says, But doctor... he's literally me"

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Anon was feeling nostalgic. | /r/Greentext

File: xenaandgab.jpg (206 KB, 612x380) Any other Xena fans here? Anonymous 08/19/23 (Sat)01:16:05 No.74438624 >be me >mind starts wandering at work today >start thinking about old TV shows I liked >decide to watch some old Xena episodes when I get home for the nostalgia >episode where Xena and Gabriel get lost, pretty funny one >get to the futa sex scene(there's one in every episode) >Gabriel lays Xena's giant futa c--- over her eyes like a blindfold and says "Hey where did everybody go? Who turned out the lights?" >can't stop laughing, forgot how funny the show was

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Anon almost dies shitting | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 52 KB PNG 01/27/21 (Wed)17:15:19 No.845914110 >taking massive s--- >coming out sideways >hurts like hell >feel and hear anus tearing >losing lots of blood >pass out from blood loss >wake up around 15 minutes later >go to wipe >cleanwipe.doc >no blood, no s--- >feel around a------ >someone sewn up my gaping wound and cleaned it >blood and s--- still in toilet Thank you mystery a------ mender, i am forever in your debt

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Anon can’t sleep | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Why 340 KB PNG 08/20/23(Sun)22:54:49 No.74455309 >First time living alone, have a few roommates >They all know each other, I don't know any of them, so I just quietly keep the apartment clean and hide in my room >One of them knocks on my door twenty minutes ago >"Hey, you're anon, right? Mind if I use your bathroom man?" >"Oh, uhh sure" >Walks through my room to my bathroom door >Opens bathroom door >Doesn't go in, closes bathroom door >Turns around, looks at my desk >"Nice computer monitor anon" >"T-thanks" >"Anyways, see you around" >Leaves WHY DID HE DO IT HE WAS F------ WITH ME, RIGHT? MY BATHROOM IS NORMAL. IT DIDN'T SMELL BAD, IT'S F------ SPOTLESS, THERE'S NO REASON FOR HIM TO DECIDE NOT TO USE IT WHY THE F--- DID HE DO IT I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT

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Anon has made it and so will we | /r/Greentext

O Anonymous 08/20/23(Sun)19:17:48 No.71996299 [Reply] >>71996778 >feeling bad today >go to the gym >do my sets, leave >on my way out see a family sitting on the gym's entry's stairs >little kid looks at me as I walk past >says to his dad "this guy has big muscles" We're all gonna make it bros. Anonymous 08/20/23(Sun)20:21:13 No.71996778 >>71997531 >>71996299 (OP) was the mom cute? Anonymous 08/20/23(Sun)21:50:00 No.71997531 >>71996778 Didn't get a good look at them

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Anon congratulates the Slavs | /r/Greentext

51 KB JPG >Be a Slavic hoard >be hungry >also be sick of bulgar masters >Byzantine Macedonia in the south has plenty of land that could be farmed >Byzantium is currently at war with Sassanid Persia >raid Byzantium to farm cabbages Actually just a 4D chess move by the Slavs.

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Anon king of the hill | /r/Greentext

Hank_and_Bobby.jpg 254 KB JPG >be me >turning 22, time to become a man >never really had a dad, no guidance >start watching King Of The Hill on a whim >actually bond with the characters, feel like this show allows me to partake in the normal family life that I never had >learn to grill and get a job working for a local company >start dressing like Hank Hill >saying things like "I tell you hwat" >plan to name my future son Bobby as an homage to the show >finally feel like a man Has anyone else taken the propane pill?

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Anon makes a most curious discovery. | /r/Greentext

File: 1388005466555.jpg-(208 KB, 882x1566, 9EB.jpg) Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:04 No.224306289 Replies: >>224306454>>224306498 >>224306673 >>224307214>>224307369 >>224307464>>224307880 >>224307954>>224308267 >>224308520 >>224308894 >>224310116 >>224310929 >>224312196 >>224312606 >>224312670 I bought a Wii U but it was broken, so I opened the Wii U and this thing was inside. Replies: >>224306454>>224306498>>224306673>>224307214>>224307369>>224307464>>224307880>>224307954>>224308267>>224308520 >>224308894>>224310116 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:05 No.224306363 Replies: >>224306558 >>224306635>>224306779 >>224306792 >>224307214>>224307413 >>224307643 >>224307657 >>224307954>>224308286 >>224308348 >>224308520 >>224308926 >>224309974>>224310461 >>224312418 File: 1388005511341.jpg-(224 KB, 882x1566, C3F.jpg) What the hell is this? Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:06 No.224306476 Replies: >>224306575>>224306614>>224306694>>224306792 >>224307214>>224307413 >>224307643 >>224307954 >>224308286 >>224308495>>224308520 >>224308926 >>224310461 File: 1388005576749.jpg-(243 KB, 882x1566, 8E3.jpg) >>224311161 >>224308520>>224308926 Replies: >>224306558>>224306635>>224306779>>224306792>>224307214>>224307413>>224307643>>224307657>>224307954>>224308286 Replies: >>224306575>>224306614>>224306694>>224306792>>224307214>>224307413>>224307643>>224307954>>224308286>>224308495 >>224308348>>224308520>>224308926>>224309974 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:07 No.224306604 Replies: >>224306680 >>224306714>>224306716 >>224306747 >>224306789 >>224306803 >>224306950 >>224307003 >>224307039 >>224307067 >>224307202 >>224307214>>224307718 >>224307869 >>224307954 >>224308520 >>224308926 >>224308941 >>224310461 >>224310967 >>224312606 File: 1388005641007.jpg-(216 KB, 882x1566, 10C.jpg) Replies: >>224306680>>224306714>>224306716>>224306747>>224306789>>224306803>>224306950>>224307003>>224307039>>224307067 >>224307202>>224307214>>224307718>>224307869>>224307954>>224308520>>224308926>>224308941 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:08 No.224306748 Replies: >>224307003 >>224307148 >>224307214>>224307869 >>224307954>>224308376 >>224308520 >>224310967 File: 1388005708630.jpg-(354 KB, 2048x1154, 71C.jpg) Replies: >>224307003>>224307148>>224307214>>224307869>>224307954>>224308376>>224308520 Replies: >>224307052>>224307349 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:08 No.224306751 Replies: >>224307052 >>>224307349 THATS NOT POOP WHAT THE F--- Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:10 No.224306994 Replies: >>224307081 >>224307137 >>224307235>>224307506 >>224307586 >>224307694>>224307763 >>224310867 >>224310942 At least the spiders are already dead. Whatever happened, it's an egg opened too soon or an egg that never managed to open. The spiders must have devoured each other to stay alive and eventually grew to max capacity and truly died. The size shows they're adults but the color shows they literally have no plating or skin. The spiders lived lives like we did. In the f------ dark Replies: >>224307081>>224307137>>224307235>>224307506>>224307586>>224307694>>224307763 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:13 No.224307338 Replies: >>224307426 >>224307435>>224307437 >>224307458 >>224307479 >>224307497 >>224307502 >>224307513 >>224307531 >>224307538 >>224307548 >>224307562 >>224307586 >>224307604 >>224307623 >>224307649 >>224307659 >>224307685>>224307734>>224307770 >>224307869 >>224307881 >>224307904>>224307979 >>224308103 >>224308242 >>224308520 >>224308926 >>224309479 File: 1388005999412.jpg-(448 KB, 2048x1154, C73.jpg) This one was still alive. Replies: >>224307426>>224307435>>224307437>>224307458>>224307479>>224307497>>224307502>>224307513>>224307531>>224307538 >>224307548>>224307562>>224307586>>224307604>>224307623>>224307649>>224307659>>224307685>>224307734>>224307770>>224307869 >>224307881>>224307904>>224307979>>224308103>>224308242>>2 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:15 No.224307604 >>224307338 HE LITERALLY ATE HIS BROTHERS TO F------ STAY ALIVE WHAT THE F--- HE'S SOME SORT OF SUPER SPIDER WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD 24308926>>224309479 Replies: >> 224307338 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:15 No.224307623 Replies: >>224307771 >>224307787 >>224307789 >>224307790 >>224307839 >>224307905>>224307941 >>224307943 >>224307961 >>224307965>>224307992 >>224307993 >>224308054 >>224308061 >>224308520 >>224308749 Okay. I googled it for you OP. That's a dirt dauber nest. The spiders are paralyzed inside of it. If they're not dead by now, and they're actually fresh catches, they're gonna be waking up soon. >>224307338 This spider kind of looks like a brown recluse. If you let it sting you your arm is gonna start rotting while you're alive. Replies: >> 224307338>>224307771>>224307787>>224307789>>224307790>>224307839>>224307905>>224307941>>224307943>>224307961 >>224307965>>224307992>>224307993>>224308054>>224308061>>224308520>>224308749 Replies: >>224308369>>224308563 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:21 No.224308225 Replies: >>224308369 >>224308563 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mud_dauber >To capture a spider, the wasp grabs it and stings it into submission. The venom from the sting does not kill the spider, but paralyzes and preserves it so it can be transported and stored in the nest cell until consumed by the larva. A mud dauber usually lays its egg on the prey item and then seals it into the nest cell with a mud cap. It then builds another cell or nest. Missouri's mud daubers generally have two generations per year. The young survive the winter inside the nest. NATUUUREEE GODDAMNIT Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:21 No.224308280 Replies: >>224308415 >>224308571 >>224308889 >>224308054 Not if they're freshly caught, and by the looks of it, the last one just woke up, and the dirt dauber might not even have started laying its larvae yet. If that's the case, these might all just be paralyzed. Also, I'm afraid for OP's life, since the spider that DID wake up look a shitload like a brown recluse, and if that's actually the case, and OP has a dirt dauber nest full of brown recluses, he's in for one hell of a ride. http://www.fcps.edu/islandcreekes/ecology/organ-pipe_mud_dauber.htm Replies: >> 224308054>>224308415>>224308571>>224308889 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:24 No.224308571 Replies: >>224308773 >>224308280 Chileanfag here, the local Chilean recluse Spider is much more venomous than the Brown recluse, but both venoms do the same: they rot your tissue. >The serious bites form a necrotising ulcer that destroys soft tissue and may take months, and very rarely, years to heal, leaving deep scars. The damaged tissue will become gangrenous and eventually slough away. Initially there may be no pain from a bite, but over time the wound may grow to as large as 10 inches (25 cm) in extreme cases. Bites may take up to seven hours to cause visible damage; more serious systemic effects may occur before this time, as venom of any kind spreads throughout the body in minutes. Deaths have been reported for the related South American species L. laeta. We deal with them fine because the tip is this: they aren't aggressive, just don't provoke them or kill them before they can react. Replies: >> 224308280>>224308773 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:24 No.224308594 Replies: >>224308840 >>224308415 Thank you. I don't think the thread is understanding the magnitude of the situation here. they're gonna be waking up soon. >OP just opened a wasp nest >A wasp nest full of poisonous spiders >Poisonous spiders that make your skin and flesh rot off if they bite you >They might not even have wasp larvae in them, in which case, they are paralyzed and just awaiting to be awoken Replies: >> 224308415>>224308840 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:49 No.224311121 Replies: >>224311268 >>224311596 F------ wasps On February 6, 1996, Birgenair Flight 301, 757 jet flying from Puerto Plata in the Dominican Republic, crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. All 13 crew members and 176 passengers were killed. A key part of the accident was a blocked pitot tube, a component which measures outside air pressure through small tubes on the outside of the aircraft and displays this as the plane's speed. Although the tubes were never recovered from the ocean floor, it was discovered that the plane had been sitting on the tarmac for almost 3 weeks with the pitot tubes not covered as they should have been. Investigators believe a colony of Black and yellow mud daubers got into the tube and built their cylindrical nests inside, causing faulty air speed readings which were a large part of the crash. This species also brought down another plane in Washington during 1982. Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:49 No.224311132 Replies: >>224311265>>224311268 >>224311403 >>224311441 >>224311516 >>224311578 >>224311610 >>224312197 >>224312371 File: 1388008190876.jpg-(84 KB, 800x600, 32653604_Nest87001810.jpg) If you don't have dirt daubers where you live, be grateful. They are the most annoying f------ insects ever devised by nature. They get into f------ everything and build those ungodly f------ nests. I knock at least a hundred of them off the sides of my house every summer, and when you break them off the wall they explode into spiders. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mud_dauber#Involvement_in_Birgenair_Flight_301_accident Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:52 No.224311421 Replies: >>224311494 >>224311552 >>224311596 >>224311678 >>224311761 >>224311764 >>224311773 >>224311923 >>224311957 >>224312084>>224312153 >>224312249 >>224312264 >>224313221 File: 1388008341895.png-(327 KB, 500x616, al roker works at burger king.png) Guys, think about this: All those threads on /v/ defending the Wii U? They aren't Nintendrones. Hell, there never was such thing as a Nintendrone. It's all spiders. They're trying to get as many people as possible to buy a Wii U so they can invade homes, kill the occupants, and convince more people to buy a Wii U. - - Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:16 No.224307694 File: 1388006179508.jpg-(2 KB, 136x105, ohgod.jpg) >>224306994 >The spiders lived lives like we did. In the f------ dark Replies: >> 224307338 Replies: >> 224306994 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:14 No.224307497 >>224307338 Oh god he killed all his brothers Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:14 No.224307502 File: 1388006078823.png-(3 KB, 188x128, 1308474649371.png) >>224307338 Replies: >> 224307338 Replies: >>224308831>>224308950>>224309304>>224309532 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:17 No.224307790 File: 1388006239815.gif-(220 KB, 241x241, 1386843026722.gif) Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:39 No.224310093 Replies: >>224310349 >OP hasn't said anything since the spider woke up >probably went to post the picture of the awoken spider then went back to take more pictures >the spiders were already awake by then >OP is now fighting a hundred Brown Recluses in his house Replies: >> 224307623 Replies: >> 224307623 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:17 No.224307787 >>224307623 Oh s---, it's true. What the f---, man? Replies: >>224310193>>224310275 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:26 No.224308715 Replies: >>224308831 >>224308950 >>224309304>>224309532 Why can't humans be this f------ badass? Can you imagine if we f------ tranq'd like 4 bears and stuffed them in pile of leaves or some s--- and injected our babies into them to grow out and eat the bears to survive Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:14 No.224307485 File: 1388006074894.png-(168 KB, 350x385, 1375079884202.png) >there could be a spiderpod in your WiiU right now Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:39 No.224310049 Replies: >>224310193 >>224310275 File: 1388007542999.png-(39 KB, 227x284, 11SONOCHINOSADAMEEEEEEEEE(...).png) Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:25 No.224308647 Replies: >>224308742 >>224309383 File: 1388006726118.jpg-(73 KB, 640x477, 1362253565685.jpg) NOOOOO Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:56 No.224311957 Replies: >>224312458 File: 1388008619667.gif-(156 KB, 260x187, 1387091638862.gif) >>224311421 >Go to Nintendo Convention >Shake hands with Reggie Fils Aime >Accidentally punch him in the face because you're so >>224307623 >they're gonna be waking up soon. >they're gonna be waking up soon. >they're gonna be waking up soon. 天国各地狱。 Replies: >>224308742>>224309383 nervous >About to apologize >Millions of spiders wake up and crawl out of the now gaping hold in his head >bought my 9 year old brother a Wii-U for christmas >He's playing it in the other room NO Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:17 No.224307789 File: 1388006239760.jpg-(94 KB, 666x666, you could've prevented.jpg) YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS – Replies: >> 224307623 Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:17 No.224307771 File: 1388006227511.gif-(1.8 MB, 310x176, 1386539375622.gif) >>224307623 Goddamn OP is f-----. Guys GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS. If OP had THIS in his Wii-U then... it can't be JUST ONE of them... What if an Employee put one of these in EVERYBODIES Wii-U at the store OP goes to. Nobody knows where on earth OP lives but... you could be living right next to him and buying a Wii-U from the same store he goes to. Just imagine it... you could be buying a Wii-U with one of the same things OP has. Replies: >> 224307623 >>224307623 >The spiders are paralyzed inside of it. If they're not dead by now, and they're actually fresh catches, they're gonna be waking up soon. Merry Christmas, /v/ 12/25/13 The day the spiders won Anonymous 12/25/13(Wed)16:46 No.224310801 Replies: >>224310927 >>224310930 >>224310974>>224310981 >>224310986 >>224311032 >>224311081 >>224311095>>224311101 >>224311106 >>224311198 >>224311289 File: 1388007989967.jpg-(219 KB, 882x1566, 76A.jpg) OP here, they weren't dead and they started to move. I ran out of my house and called the exterminator. I'm posting from my cellphone.

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Femanon has a situation at work | /r/Greentext

Anonymous (ID: NnnrJ9AP 08/19/23(Sat)09:59:34 No.438475465 >>438476066 >>438476772 >work customer service job >be female (boooooooo I know I know) >the restrooms are closed for cleaning >female customer tells me there's a male in the female restroom >pause and consider would my job be at risk if I intervene >ask the lady is he wearing a wig (we have men in wigs that come through often) >tell her the world is changing and the man she's with starts laughing >tell her I may not be able to go in there and tell him to leave >out walks an elderly man that probably couldn't hold it anymore >breathe a sigh of relief that he's not wearing a wig Once had a manager try to tell me to call her "sir". Clown world is something else.

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anon breaks free of the pantopicon | /r/Greentext

File: chad_sisyphus_by_sisyphe(...).jpg (20 KB, 373x350) >ascend to the cosmos did i do the right thing fellas? the grind Anonymous 08/19/23(Sat) 18:47:36 No.904638400 >be me >chilling in prison (no questions please) >hear gunshots and dumbass music outside >get idea >shout "THIS PRISON, TO HOLD ME!?" >walls f------ explode >see dumbass gopro and his magic nickels >he killed some betafag a week ago, no biggie >decide to tickle his boner with a monologue >f------ obliterate him for 6 hours >asswipe browses google and contacts lockheed martin, acquiring their latest hardware >finally get f------ beat by him >cope a little bit about my neet life in prison >square up and say i dont regret nuttin'

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Anon is mad about new COD | /r/Greentext

6 KB JPEG Modern Call Of Duty Be Like > Recognizeable Character: "The *insert vaguely middle eastern sounding name* stole America's shi stick, and we need it back. > Other Recognizeable Character: "We need to hit them hard and fast." > Only Female Protaganist: "I love hitting men hard and fast" Laugh track -Level which could be an entire game of itself- > *insert vaguely middle eastern sounding name* Isn't here, we need to go to somewhere else Cycle repeats until ending, where another s--- stick turns up so you can get it in the third $70 game

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Anon Has Vibes | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 1.72 MB GIF 08/13/23(Sun)00:57:18 No.904237770 >Start a new job >Sit on a chair >Female team leader sits next to you for some training >First thing that comes out of her mouth is 'I'm lesbian' How do you respond to that 08/13/23(Sun)01:01:16 No.904237939 : Anonymous >>904237770 (OP) # I can fix that

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Sir Alec Tried to Warn Us | /r/Greentext

File: alec guinness.jpg (258 KB, 611x815) Anonymous 08/08/23(Tue)09:30:41 No.188514099 ► >>188514167 >>188514198 >>188514241 >A sweet-faced boy of twelve told me proudly that he had seen Star Wars over a hundred times. His elegant mother nodded with approval. Looking into the boy's eyes I thought I detected little star-shells of madness beginning to form and I guessed that one day they would explode. >"I would love you to do something for me," I said. >"Anything! Anything!" the boy said rapturously. >"You won't like what I'm going to ask you to do," I said. >"Anything, sir, anything!" >"Well," I said, "do you think you could promise never to see Star Wars again?" >He burst into tears. His mother drew himself up to an immense height. "What a dreadful thing to say to a child!" she barked, and dragged the poor kid away. Maybe she was right but I just hope the lad, now in his thirties, is not living in a fantasy world of secondhand, childish banalities." Anonymous 08/08/23(Tue)09:32:12 No.188514117 >And he was a good friend. Anonymous 08/08/23(Tue)09:33:40 No.188514142 He was ahead of his time Anonymous 08/08/23(Tue)09:34:03 No.188514147 I'm sorry Alec, we should have listened to you

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