Anon gets s-------- drunk | /r/Greentext | Greentext Stories | Know Your Meme

>>185600157 # >get insanely drunk with roommate during COVID lockdown >first time drinking in months >get blind drunk >have good time >go to bed >wake up in cold sweat 2 hours later >still blind drunk >have to s--- >waddle over to favorite armchair >rip boxers off with tard-strength >tore them completely asunder and threw them at wall >squat over favorite armchair >squeeze out a humongous log of a s--- right on my favorite chair >like a savage f------ animal >realize what I am doing just as it is leaving my ass >look down to assess damage >grab face mask from desk and use it to grab poop >throw poop out in trash >wake up next morning >faint smell of s--- in room >remember the deed >feel ashamed but too hungover to really care >have to go to supermarket to get breakfast >grab my bag and keys and things >arrive at supermarket >shop >some store clerk tells me to put on my mask >grab it from my pocket and put it on automatically >realize too late >l accidentally brought the same mask I used to grab the poop with in my hungover state >I didn't throw it out with the poop but put it back on my desk >why.png >vomit violently in mask >face is covered in both s--- and vomit >get some ham and sliced cheese to make french toast WHAT A LIFE

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File: democratic party USA.png (47 KB, 1050x1024) For my r/greentext lurkers Anonymous (ID: S+5L+4sx 11/08/24(Fri)11:46:43 No.487728217 ► > base worldview on explictly hating men, white people, religious people, traditional people, conservative people, cisgender heterosexual people, rural people, etc > base worldview on telling blacks and immigrants that the only way they can hope to aspire to anything in life is by being uplifted by a white savior and their DEI programs > continuously alienate the above groups by dismissing all their concerns (caused by your direct insults and condemnations) as fascism, toxicity, fragility > continuously deny any outlet for dialogue/dissent on media/social media/campuses > continuously produce culture that alienates these groups further (like how in all modern remakes/reboots beloved male characters get blacked, gender swapped or turned into alcoholic p------) > alienate corporations by making them lose loads of money because you forced them under threat of cancellation to adopt your rhetoric > literally kill yourself when the above people vote against you I'm not even going to ask if they're retarded because I know the answer.

Anonymous 30 KB JPG Scrabble 11/07/24(Thu)22:49:06 No.927102124 >masculinity so fragile >Now let me call you a Nazi, some of the most deranged and brutal psychopaths to walk the earth >Demolished in a land slide election >Cries into phone for 30 min on social media using the most pedantic and esoteric psychobabble cooked up by a lobotomized ape having a epileptic fit during a game of WE ARE GOOD AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS, WHY DON'T YOU AGREE, NAZI

: Anonymous 84 KB JPG 04/16/22(Sat)20:52:07 No.876397732 Heard joke once >"Man goes to doctor. >Says he's an incel. >Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone, no gf. > Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. >Ryan Gosling is in town tonight. > Go and see him. >That should pick you up. >Man bursts into tears. >Says, But doctor... he's literally me"

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Anon gets in the car with a stranger | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)15:00:09 No.34886517 ► >>34886528 File: Screenshot_20230528_16561(...).jpg (761 KB, 1079x2265) (1/3) This is far from the creepiest story itt but it still trips me up. Never greentexted before so sorry in advance if I break convention. I've never typed out this story in full so I'll try to keep it detailed >tldr hallucinated an imaginary good sumaritan bro who drove me and my friend home after a concert for free >be me, september 3rd of last year >me and my buddy, A, got tickets to see carpenter brut in baltimore >we live about 5 hours south so we book a hotel to stay at after the show >wagies so the only hotel we can afford is about 40 minutes from the venue in downtown That's all the groundwork for the story. We made it down fine (even though there was a really heavy rain), get to the hotel and crash for an hour or two before we decide to go downtown. >my friend A doesn't want to drive anymore after 5 hours in the car so we decide to take an Uber downtown >make it downtown fine, get some good pizza and hop in line for the show. Doors opening in a little over an hour maybe so we're first in line >as the line fills up we notice more and more people dressed up >lots of black jeans, leather vests, and boots >start talking to this dude behind us about the show, music, and baltimore because he was a local >tells us his name is Will, probably mid-20s >black leather jacket, black leather pants, gloves, facepaint >super cool guy, i'm usually pretty introverted but we spend the hour talking about a bunch of stuff >probably feel comfortable around him because he's like a foot shorter than me >my friend A spends his time on his phone, tells me he's just tired from driving so much earlier >eventually doors open up and we all fill inside >me and A go to the merch stand, Will goes to the stage and we get seperated >don't see Will again for the whole show Cue 2 hours of (sober) moshing to french hardcore synthwave >concert ends, me and A are covered in sweat and leave the venue. Its about midnight now Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)15:01:33 No.34886528 ► >>34886534 File: Screenshot_20230528_16555(...).jpg (699 KB, 1080x2266) >>34886517 (2/3) >we're both tired and don't really want to go anywehre else so we decide to try to call an Uber again >A's phone is not working, keeps getting connection errors, payment errors, everytime he tries to use the app >try mine and get the same thing >ohshit.gif >figure that the app was probably overloaded because so many people were trying to use it at once so we decide to walk a few blocks down the street and try again >walk around 20 minutes and try >Error >walk another 20 minutes >Error >look around and realize that we've walked outside of the gentrified lit up downtown baltimore and now we're in the real downtown baltimore >say f--- it and try to walk back to the venue thinking maybe one of the staff can help us get a taxi >walk for about five minutes before we notice a person in all black coming towards us from the opposite direction >short dude >recognize that it's Will from earlier >I explain our situation to him >"I know this is weird but our phone's aren't working. Could you call us an Uber and I can send you some money to cover the cost?" >dude agrees >pulls up the app on his phone and sees that it would cost us like $60 for a ride back to the hotel >"Nah man you shouldn't have to pay that much. My car's parked in that parking garage over there. Your hotel is on my way, I'll give you a ride back." >start getting a little creeped out, me and A look at each other but Will seems like a nice guy and we don't have any other option so we agree >follow this dude who we never met back to his car through the sketchiest parkaing garage i've ever neen in >neither of us know the area so the whole time we're just texting each other shitless >i even share my location with my mother just in case >eventually though, we get back to the hotel, Will explains that he took a back way to avoid the busy downtown traffic >i try to give him a $20 bill but he refused and said it was no problem >we go inside a little creeped out but glad to be at the hotel and crash ☐ Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)15:02:36 No.34886534 ► >>34886584 File: 20230528_154827.jpg (1.27 MB, 2246x4000) >>34886528 (3/3) This is where the weird part came in >next morning wake up in the hotel >say to A "man, that was sketchy last night, wasn't it?" >"what do you mean?" >"taking that ride from that Will guy last night" >my friend looks at me like i'm retarded and asks w-- i'm talking about >tells me that we didn't meet anyone named Will last night >says that I was talking to someone in line but it was just a few words with a normal guy and i never asked his name >I ask A how we got back to the hotel last night >"we um.. we..." >A says he doesn't remember coming home, he just figured he was tired and i called another uber or something >neither one of us has any idea what really happened that night Did we get r---- or was this paranormal? picrel is a minidisk that "Will" gave me in his car before we left. He said he didn't have a player so it was useless for him. At some point I must've misplaced it because I couldn't find it the next morning.

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Anon needs to think consequences | /r/Greentext

Anonymous LT 05/28/23(Sun)18:59:32 No.7348119: 23 KB JPG >try to get a prostate orgasm after many trials >doing the act with a dildo >feel a strange warm tingling sensation i've never felt in past tries >continue >midway trought moans, precum leaks and panting i feel like taking dildo out for release >as i quickly take it out i manage to spurt a little of c-- and instantly relax my entire body >my relax is followed up by a solid rancid strand of s---, lube and water from earlier enema >as i barely recovered from said relax, i can already smell the s--- aroma >look back and see white wall with watery-brown stains >s--- stain is sliding down the wall into the baseboard >take up to 2 hours of cleaning entire area with bleach to get rid of smell >sit down on my chair and reflect upon my life's choices

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Men these days | /r/Greentext

Anonymous Why are men these days so un-p(...) 99 KB JPG 05/28/23(Sun)16:30:38 No.73479911 >Be me >Out on a walk with my BF >We're going steady and I think I might want to marry him >Notice just one little thing >He's not on the car side of the sidewalk >Start feeling nervous, unsafe >"Alright Nona if you're gonna marry this guy you'd better be sure he's for real" >Think up a way to test him >Get an idea >Run out into the traffic as fast as I can, looking backward to see his reaction >Not only does he not immediately react and dart after me to grab be, he actually just stands there and says "Nona what the f--- are you doing!?" >Car comes to a screeching halt, the car behind that car rear ends it >Like a full three seconds later, the scrote walks after me (walks, doesn't run!) >Starts berating me about embarrassing him in public >Walks over to the guy who almost hit me, apologizes profusely, saying "I don't know what got into her." >Offers to pay for the damage >After he's through with kissing my attacker's ass he tells me I need to see a psychiatrist or else the relationship is over Moids, explain yourselves.

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Anon is working night shift | /r/Greentext

Hey /b/ I work at a suicide prevention hotline based in the Midwest. Ask me anything while I tell you stories. Let's start with a nice one: 25 KB JPG >Be me, just getting off call with a girl who wanted to kill herself over some guy leaving >Logging the notes of the call while microwaving a soft pretzel >F--- me those pretzels are good >Phone on desk starts to ring >Rush back and pick it up >An old raspy sounding man starts talking >Ask me "Do you got time for a story" >Have to respond yes >Think he is going to tell me a depressing war story, or his entire life story >Old people do that a lot >Guy responds "You ever heard of animal farm" >I'm a f------ retard >think he's talking about a literal farm, they are everywhere here >I ask him to clarify >"You know the book" >Nope.communism >"Oh perfect" >The old man starts reading me animal farm >He does different voices for all the characters I had to ask him to call back later after about 20 minutes, we were getting more calls. Old man, if you are out there somewhere thanks for the best f------ night shift I ever had.

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Anon wants to talk about nuclear wessels. | /r/Greentext

File :1204130921.gif-(20 KB, 420x319, BurgerKingBroiled.gif) >>02/27/08(Wed)11:53:11 No.55944891 F--- YEAH CHEKOV >> 02/27/08(Wed)11:50:22 No.55944691 File:1204131022.jpg-(21 KB, 200x210, 98765.jpg) deed sumvone say nuclear wessels? >> 02/27/08(Wed)11:50:23 No.55944693 >>55944642 Captain, we must find the nuclear wessels! >> 02/27/08(Wed)11:54:40 No.55945008 wessels? File :1204131280.jpg-(4 KB, 108x126, chekov.jpg) >> 02/27/08(Wed)11:55:44 No.55945082 wessels? 02/27/08(Wed)11:48:41 No.55944578 ITT: F----- Americans whine about how depressing their country is >>02/27/08(Wed)11:49:17 No.55944618 ITT: Nothing but Eurofags >> 02/27/08(Wed)11:56:50 No.55945151 wessels? >>02/27/08(Wed)11:59:11 No.55945328 wessels? I sink I em trapped inside a nuclear wessel, captain. >> 02/27/08(Wed)11:59:53 No.55945381 >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:00:46 No.55945458 >>02/27/08(Wed)11:49:34 No.55944642 >>55944578 Wessels, Richard W. File:1204131646.gif-(70 KB, 534x665, Wessels_R.gif) Wessels, Richard W. BAD.O.B. Correctional Officer >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:02:08 No.55945552 File :1204131728.jpg-(13 KB, 197x208, 1.jpg) are joo nuclear? WHO THE F--- KEEPS CALLING ME >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:02:59 No.55945608 File:1204131779.jpg-(87 KB, 531x662, 2.jpg) WAT Correctional Officer >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:03:49 No.55945663 File :1204131829.jpg-(11 KB, 197x208, 3.jpg) nuclear. WAT >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:04:34 No.55945728 File:1204131874.jpg-(86 KB, 531x662, 4.jpg) Wessels, Richard W D.O.B. 1-5-31 Correctional Offices >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:05:24 No.55945776 File :1204131924.jpg-(13 KB, 197x208, 5.jpg) a nuclear wessel. This thread is now about nuclear wessels >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:06:12 No.55945833 File:1204131972.jpg-(85 KB, 531x662, 6.jpg) NO I'M RICHARD W. WESSELS Wessels, Richard W. D.O.B. 1-5-31 Correctional Officer >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:08:10 No.55945956 File :1204132090.jpg-(12 KB, 191x204, 7.jpg) zo are you nuclear? >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:08:57 No.55946025 File :1204132137.jpg-(85 KB, 515x662, 8.jpg) NO. RICHARD. Wessels, Richard W. Correctional Officer >>02/27/08(Wed)12:09:51 No.55946092 File :1204132191.jpg-(12 KB, 191x204, 9.jpg) could you be? >>02/27/08(Wed)12:10:38 No.55946176 File:1204132238.jpg-(86 KB, 515x662, 10.jpg) COULD I BE WHAT Wessels, Richard W. Correctional Officer >>02/27/08(Wed)12:11:29 No.55946248 File:1204132289.jpg-(12 KB, 191x204, 11.jpg) a nuclear wessel >>02/27/08(Wed)12:12:48 No.55946364 File:1204132368.jpg-(85 KB, 515x649, 12.jpg) WHAT THE F--- ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT Wessels, Richard W. D.O.B. 1-5-31 Correctional Officer >>02/27/08(Wed)12:14:11 No.55946480 File :1204132451.jpg-(12 KB, 191x204, 13.jpg) a wessel zat is nuclear >>02/27/08(Wed)12:15:25 No.55946573 File :1204132525.jpg-(82 KB, 515x649, 14.jpg) I AM NOT NUCLEAR, I AM A CORRECTIONAL OFFICER Wessels, Richard W D.O.B. 1-5-31 Cational lan >>02/27/08(Wed)12:16:34 No.55946676 File :1204132594.jpg-(12 KB, 191x204, 15.jpg) but could you be nuclear >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:18:13 No.55946813 File :1204132693.jpg-(28 KB, 191x204, 16.jpg) ...for chekov? >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:19:20 No.55946914 File :1204132760.jpg-(85 KB, 515x656, 17.jpg) STEP OFF, PINKO Wessels, Richard W. D.O.B. 1-5-31 Correctional Officer >>02/27/08(Wed)12:20:30 No.55947012 File :1204132830.jpg-(13 KB, 195x203, 18.jpg) you are an attractive man, meester wessels >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:21:22 No.55947075 File:1204132882.jpg-(13 KB, 195x201, 19.jpg) ...one could almost say, radiant >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:22:15 No.55947129 File :1204132935.jpg-(11 KB, 195x201, 20.jpg) ...radiating... >>02/27/08(Wed)12:23:10 No.55947190 File :1204132990.jpg-(84 KB, 515x656, 21.jpg) I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING, AND I DON'T LIKE IT Wessels, Richard W. D.O.B. 1-5-31 Correctional Officer >>02/27/08(Wed)12:24:10 No.55947272 File:1204133050.jpg-(12 KB, 195x201, 22.jpg) kiss me >>02/27/08(Wed)12:25:36 No.55947367 File:1204133136.jpg-(84 KB, 515x656, 24.jpg) WESSEL OUT Wessels, Richard W D.O.B. 1-5-31 Correctional Officer >>02/27/08(Wed)12:26:24 No.55947429 File:1204133184.jpg-(12 KB, 195x201, 23.jpg) w... wessels? >>02/27/08(Wed)12:26:24 No.55947429 File :1204133184.jpg-(12 KB, 195x201, 23.jpg) w... wessels? >> 02/27/08(Wed)12:27:28 No.55947492 File :1204133248.jpg-(33 KB, 200x210, 98765.jpg) chekhov...lonely

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Anon shares a statistic | /r/Greentext

(1 removed reply) #1, No. 638627758 5/28/23 7:03:24 AM sombrero PNG 2575x1575 919.3 kB >That time when Nintendo removed Sombrero Mario from their cover because SJWs found it offensive, while Mexicans loved it #2, No. 638628210 5/28/23 7:09:35 AM >anon is SHOCKED to discover that despite making up 0% of minority groups, white women are offended for others 100% of the time

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Bitterness is cumbersome | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous : Anonymous 121 KB JPG 12/02/21(Thu)04:32:49 No.66389915 1.4 MB WEBM nothing happened >instantly fall in love with her again Why am I like this bros? >>66392775 # >have argument with gf >get mad at her >ignore her all day >keep thinking I hate her and I'm going to break up with her >she calls and we talk like usual like 12/02/21(Thu)04:34:02 No.66389924 >have dumb agreement >gf treats it like dumb argument and doesn't hold a grudge (being a rational person)

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Anon is Brazilian | /r/Greentext

File: imagem_2023-05-28_105053099.png (19 KB, 225x224) POV: you are brazilian Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)10:51:32 No.900007546 > brazilian > wake up at 4:35 am > stale bread and watery coffee to wake up > dodging rats to get to the house gate > at 5 am you take the crowded bus with the pungent smell of armpits > arrive at the terminal > second bus to the job > christians preaching and sellers disputing decibels > a man is murdered for refusing to give up his phone in front of you > 9 year old child robs you at gunpoint > finally at work > you arrive at 07:03 > boss publicly humiliates you for being late > your minimum wage sallary falls on the 10th, on a monday > you ask for a loan to pay the bills > interest adds up to 3 times the loan amount > you warn your wife > she files for divorce and takes your children > your stray dog is torn apart by a loose pitbull > you go to a bar to clear the head > 12 reais per liter of warm beer > "okay, at least there's a Brazil game" > 2x1 morocco

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anon runs into his previously skinny high school friend | /r/Greentext

50091e35-5a17-4cff-8e56-2(...).jpg (158 KB, 549x857) google yandex iqdb wait saucenao Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)14:01:50 No.73477757 [10] [Reply] ✓ >you run into your (previously) skinny friend from high school, three years after graduation >she looks like this now Would you say anything to her? If so, what? Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)14:03:21 No.73477764 ✓ please kill yourself OP you failed abortion Anonymous 05/28/23(Sun)14:21:34 No.73477847 ✓ You've changed! I think its rude to ignore if someone has changed, because that implies the change is bad. By just stating that someone has changed, they can interpret it the way they want, and talk about it if they like. You can see if they are offended, and if so, you can always say you meant something else, for example 'You come across way more confident now' Ive thought about this way too much but still have to encounter this situation

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Anon has played to much call of duty | /r/Greentext

I will never experience it... >the glory >the fear 29up-war-superJumbo.jpg 609 KB JPG >the long, cold nights in the trenches >the feeling of when you first climb out of your trench to charge through no man's land toward the enemy >the feeling of being shot on the way and falling gloriously on the field of battle Ever since I first learned about it in school I wanted to live through it. I imagined how fortunate I would have been to be born in the late 1890s and have the chance to be the first person at the enlistment office. Once you live through it, you have experienced the most horrific event in modern history. Nothing else compares. I know it is horrifying, and I know it was awful. But for some reason, that only makes me wish I could have experienced it more. If America is ever involved in another war I will certainly enlist. But while I may one day experience war, I will never experience THIS war. And it tears me up inside.

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Anon feels like a CHAD | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 166 KB JPG 05/28/23(Sun)08:59:34 No.73477114 >cute girl keeps looking at me >automatically assumes she likes me >feel like a chad >go through my day filled with confidence and energetic >27 year old virgin

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Anon is offended | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 14 KB JPG 05/28/23(Sun)03:41:49 No.73474906 >black, white guy at the store today told me I look arab >get offended >tell him I'm very black, both my parents are black, go into my family history everyone's black >he laughs >tell him I hope he has a bad day h---- donkey cracker

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