Anon's trying to not get cucked | /r/Greentext
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![□ Anonymous 01/23/15(Fri)09:46:08 No.594254957 ► >>594256064 >>594265026 File: 1419611651856.jpg (51 KB, 403x498) THOU HAS T'BE S------- ME >idgaf because it's summer and I'm hungry as f--- on a 12 hour shift >on the sixth day I feel a wall of dark matter slowly making its way through my intestines >I have fits of pain throughout the shift, having to take deep breathes on a knee >>594253241 (OP) >be me, stationed in korea >gotta eat MRE's during a week long exercise >MRE's are completely artificial foods with no exit strategy >Eat three of these bagged nasties a day. >Don't s--- once, I feel a malevolent mass slowly gaining power in my bowels >I've been adding hot sauce to them all for flavor >I break out into cold sweats, and I was sure I was hallucinating >The pain stops, but it's only a reprieve, the dark matter forces its way through my internal maze >I make it through the shift, I'm drinking liters of water, but I'm barely pissing it out >eventually make it to my dorm, I climb the steps of mordor in 40 lbs of chem gear □ Anonymous 01/23/15(Fri)09:56:07 No.594256064 ► >>594256742 >>594257588 >>594265026 >>594254957 cont. >I stumble at my door in a near comatose stupor when I suddenly feel it >My intestines begin to groan, with noises reminiscent of a dying grizzly bear >my blood shot eyes go wide open as my body switches to fight or flight mode >I fumble at the keypad in a near panic to get into my door >I forget the code several times over, once more and I get locked out >with a shaky finger I enter in a code in my delirious state, as if disarming a bomb >the door opens, and I thrust myself into my room >I rip off several layers of velcro'd chemical gear and my uniform in record speed >actually ripped the buttons of my ABU top, now completely soaked with cold sweat >break mach 3 as I sprint into the bathroom, I gave zero regard to my roommate who was in the other room >slam my ass so hard on the s------ I could've sworn I heard porcelain crack >I suddenly feel that great evil, pounding at my worn sphincter. >it didn't stand a chance, it was like a nuclear blast held back by a screen door □ Anonymous 01/23/15(Fri)10:11:54 No.594257588 ► >>594258274 >>594258747 >>594265026 >>594256064 cont. >Then the angels rip open the 6th seal in Revelations >I suddenly hear a noise, as if someone was ripping a waterlogged phonebook in two >I feel the vibrations through my ass and on the seat >I was genuinely concerned for its integrity >As if an iceberg is being forced through a penny sized hole, my a------ opens to sizes thought impossible >I feel the sharp edges of this monolithic s--- eviscerate my exit >l begin screaming as I shat out this white hot ingot >There was no effort on my part, something on the inside is making enough pressure to force the hyperdense material out >Perhaps this was the exotic material to bless humanity with warp speed >with what few nerve endings that weren't annihilated by the titan, I feel myself break past it's apex >I was almost in tears, dehydrated, and in relief for a brief instant, before I felt another great astrological force >the several liters of water I drank had cause so much pressure, it rocket the s--- out of my a------ like Mt. Vesuvius >I am literally lifted off the seat by the opposite reaction of this bullet train >a torrental waterfall of ass gas and unknown liquid pours out of me like a sheared fire hydrant >I feel the barometric pressure in the room change, I fear for tornadoes and lightening storms >My insides literally feel like they're emptying themselves out >Legitimately afraid I'll s--- out my rib cage due to the negative pressure >I black out, with the sounds of asswater smacking against the darkmatter □ Anonymous 01/23/15(Fri)10:24:25 No.594258747 >>594265026 File: 23456789583567.jpg (38 KB, 560x560) >>594257588 >>594259542 >>594259590 >>594260403 >>594260794 >>594261472 cont. >I come to about an hour later, by my roommate banging on the door >he's yelling about something, my 5 senses are slowly dragging themselves back into my conscious mind >"What the god damn f--- is that f------ smell jesus christ anon" >I barely register the word 'smell' before aforementioned hits me >It's as if someone stuffed a rotting corpse in a dumpster on a hot summer day >The shear potency was like a freight train, almost bring me back into unconsciousness >It was comparable to a mysterious death that leaped after me and struck me down >I compose myself and immediately begin dry heaving >there's literally nothing left in my system >it's in the bowl, as I realize this I stand up, feeling a noticeable draft up my a------ >no amount of s--- paper was gonna make a difference [Worried laughter] >I see a near football sized mass of hybrid material, jutting out from the bottom of the bowl >it's peak is risen well above the bodily fluid that had forced it out, the displacement had dangerously reached the edge >There was still steam, I ponder for it's uses as a geothermal energy source >I turn on the shower, I don't even bother to try flushing, it'd be as futile as a child moving a skyscraper >I curl up into a fetal position, and slowly s-- myself to sleep in the shower □ Anonymous 01/23/15(Fri)10:32:45 No.594259542 ► >>594259828 >>594259984 >>594265026 File: 1418621980295.png (514 KB, 520x678) >>594258747 Anyways, that's the end of that story. Remember kids. MRE's really suck Also I ended up having to actually take it out of the bowl and put it into like 6 plastic bags. Absolutely sure I could kill a man by swinging it at them in self defense. It'd be my faithful weapon of choice if the north attacked](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/002/585/677/276.png "Anon eats too many MREs. | /r/Greentext")
