Momma Didn’t Raise No Bottom | /r/Greentext | Greentext Stories | Know Your Meme

: Anonymous 10/04/21(Mon)17:59:28 No.864401456 >Be me, 30 year old virgin >Finally got my life together after years of dealing with social anxiety and low self esteem >Own my own home, car, etc >Close friend's girlfriend says a friend of hers is single and she can set me up 49 KB JPG >a little anxious but my friend's girlfriend says she was practically made for me >Says she's a huge fan of Star Trek like me, vidya, shooting compound bows, ju-jitsu >Show up to her house looking my absolute best >Opens the door and outwalks a literal t----- >Can't remember if my mouth was hanging wide open or if it just felt that way >it immediately starts talking to me about the ferengi rules of acquisition >Still standing completely motionless trying to process this situation and how my friends could betray me like this >turn around, get in my car, drive home

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File: fmt 87 24 615293 1604906381.jpg (87 KB, 1910x1080) ☐ Anonymous 11/11/24(Mon)13:47:16 No.17255059 >Is name De Gaul >The Gaul >>17255201 >Is in charge of the region that used to be called Gaul Who wrote this s---?

The Russian avos' (Russian: aвосb) describes a philosophy of behavior, or attitude, of a person who ignores possible problems or hassles and, at the same time, expects or hopes for no negative results or consequences. It is an attitude that treats life as unpredictable and holds that the best one can do is count on luck.[1][2] >>73658048 # 1703041606043192.jpg 127 KB JPG >Damn you are right, this whole positivity and gratefulness thing is actually pretty good Yeah especially if you think of it in terms of sheer usefulness. Any sort of doomerism just undermines your attitude and it's much better to go through life naively assuming things will turn out well as long as you keep going forward and trying again and again despite any downs and lows in the past. I like this pic

Anonymous Photo of anime girl date and time >be me >straight *The most violently homosexual text you will ever see in your life. No utterance of words is as homosexual as the ones currently viewed. This will be the most gay formulation of words in all of mankind's history.* >am i gay

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Anon plays AI Dungeon | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)21:39:09 No.65651616 >Discover Al Dungeon >play around with it for a while >get the idea to make pornographic scenarios with it >Al learns from my story telling >makes some good s---, nut crazy 116 KB PNG amounts >start making larger stories and edge for 3 hours+ >Al starts getting really good at learning my preferences >now I instantly go full mast when I open up Al Dungeon Am I now a lost cause anons

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Anon Comforms to the “Experience” | /r/Greentext

Anonymous (ID: X09XXPI) 07/09/21(Fri)15:31:33 No.329330169 >>329330390 >>329330398>>329330764 >>329331490 >>329331540 >>329331748 >>329332643>>329336908>>329337049 File: images - 2021-04-30T192555.700.jpg (17 KB, 480x360) >>329329430 (OP) >"The thing is.. (Joe leans into the mic) fat isn't the problem. Carbs and sugar is the problem. Ever eat nuts man? Nuts are good for you." >Guest: "uh.. Yeah I eat nuts. I used to pick peanuts back when I was a kid and they were in the season." >Joe: "Nice, nice. Like from a tree?" >Guest: "No, they grow in the ground." >(Joe nearly s---- himself in surprise) "What?" >(His guest try not to sound condescending) >Guest: Peanuts grow in the ground kind of like-- >Joe: "Jamie, Google this right now. Jamie Google peanuts growing in the ground. H--------." >Guest: "Yeah just like that. They grow in the ground like potatoes." >Joe: "Well. (Breaths heavily into the mic) That makes sense. They couldn't grow on trees because squirrels would f--- them up. Imagine that? Imagine how much squirrels would f--- up a peanut tree. Squirrels are basically tiny chimpanzees."

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anon questions the American culinary arts | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)16:10:17 No.864449618 >be me, romanian, just noW >really love bananas >like raw bananas, bananas juice, banana shakes, banana cakes, etc. >start thinking about some thick banana 997 KB PNG cream >have some free time to waste, start looking for banana cream recipes on youtube >get retarded "american pie" recipes with banana cream >the cream has no f------ banana in it, they just add bananas to the bottom of the pie >literally all of them call it banana cream pie, yet the cream has no f------ bananas???????????? >start googling "banana cream recipe -pie" >get icecream or cheesecake >look up banana cream recipe in romanian >first result literally tells me how to make actual banana cream with no f------ pie. Are americans literally this f------ retarded when it comes to food?

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Anon is autistic | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)21:49:47 No.864448499 >>864449191 >Be me new college freshman at mostly black school >Kind of Autistic >Dark skinned classmate teases me saying that I am some SJW f----- >Prove him wrong by calling him a N----- in front of the whole class >He was Hindi Bros what the f--- do I do from here. Is there any way out of this?

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Anon was bamboozled | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/06/21(Sat)10:33:16 No.848945557 >be me, home alone >family is out >browsing /b/ >see an advertisement that says "GET A HUGE C--- IN LESS THAN A DAY" >l'm lacking in the meat 150 KB PNG department, so I click on it >loading >says "Thank you, your order has been received" >I didn't put any info in >hear the front door slam open >yell “hey guys how was the shopping?" >no response >just high pitched giggles >small footsteps, then a thud >the r--- dwarf is coming >mfw

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Anon is a good guy | /r/Greentext

File: avatars-000623228610-a6xg(...).jpg (41 KB, 500x500) O Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)16:39:45 No.864426517 >864426655 >>864426714 >>864427373 >Be me >Family goes to a city 100 miles away to attend a wedding >Distant cousin has exams, so her family leaves her at our place >First night alone >She's sleeping >Door is open >I shut the door, go to my room and doze off because l'm not a f------ retard O Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)16:40:34 No.864426540 File: IMG 20210924_203632.jpg (75 KB, 579x713)

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Eskimo Brothers | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/04/21(Mon)22:22:16 No.65641277 >be me, 17, 3 years ago >order fleshlight using one of those debit cards you can load with however much cash you want. >fleshlight arrives >f--- the s--- out of it, better than masturbating 107 KB PNG >ffw 2 months. >14 year old brother figures out I have one. >he wants one too, asks me to buy one for him. >tell him to get a job and earn the money himself >he storms off. >ffw another two weeks. >get horny one sunday, go to get fleshlight. >it's missing >fuckfuckfuck.jpg| >look around frantically for it, believe parents found it. >boy was I wrong. >hear moaning coming from brother's room >ohpleasefuckno.jpg >get p-----, f------ barge in. >he's using MY fleshlight. >he didn't even wash it, still has my dried c-- on it. >we look at each other in horror. >he came just as I entered the room >I slowly exit, don't even go back for it, too disgusted to buy a new one. ... and that's the story of the time my brother and I didn't talk to eachother for over a year. We eventually agreed to never speak to eachother about it ever again

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Anon like his new salt toy | /r/Greentext

i Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)08:26:10 No.864417664 Okay /b/, so I recently bought a pic related because my room has had a bug problem. Honestly would recommend. Pros: 92 KB JPG >Get to snipe spiders off the wall >Hit a fly midair once was cool >Like doom IRL but with salt and bugs Cons: >Floor and desk covered in salt now Anyone else have one? 27 Replies /3 Images View Thread : Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)09:21:43 No.864419967 >>864419602 # i agree your salt gun is badass anon, i have one too : Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)09:23:30 No.864420043 >>864417664 (OP) # Own 2 of these. The Black fly 2.0 or the lawn and garden are more powerful than the original bug-a-salt. Also on the newer versions you dont have to push the safety each time you pump to shoot. : Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)09:25:29 No.864420107 >>864419714 # I own the lazer too. Can confirm.

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Jihanon destroyes facebook | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)08:44:26 No.864418400 >be me duill >23 jihadist male >hate those white heretics >*idea.jpg* >decide to ddos that reptilian c--- to show them that allah is eternal 19 KB JPG and Facebook is temporary >decide to write about it to my jihadi friends >realize that Facebook is down because of me >be sad >go f--- one of my many wives >realize I don't have any >cry myself to sleep Don't be jihanon

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Apologies for the poor quality but my favorite greentext of all time | /r/Greentext

File skkk png (175 KB, 500x375) U Anonymous (ID: CHZND) 07/05/14(Satj00:31:26 No 554774383 > 25547E651 22554776730 225E4777012 okay /bl, story time >be me >beta 15 ylo >had weed a few times, nothing bad happened >docide to try acid, know a guy >hooks me up, go home >close toom door, close blinds >time to f------ party >lying on bed waiting for effects to kick in >ohfuckthereitis jpg >nothing looka right >decide to play some vidya to see what its like >good al zelda on wi >ater 10 minutes get hungry >try to leave, door wont apen >find key and unlock doar, needed alot of farce, must have been stuck >go downstairs >see parents on couch >trying to act cool >howstheweather png >they leave alter a while, success >make some nutella toast >taste like s--- >sudden urge to evacuate my bowels >just make it ta the toilet before i start erupting >feels good man >decide to sleep, grab blanket and clock the f--- out >wake up to screaming >too tired to comprehend >go back to sleep >wake up in hospital >mfw what actually happoned, according to my family >got aut of bed and threw zeida game case at the wall >jumped around in frant of my off tv swinging a spoon like a wi remote >aiter an hour of this i shoved the spoon into the keyhale and threw myself against the door untill the lock and my shaulder broke >went downstais >rnade a variety of facial exprestions at parents while saying weather over and over untill they let >went to kitchen spread nutella onto bare hand and took a bite >bload trail all the way to my sisters room vhere i sat on her chair and took a huge dump >fell asloep wrapped in a rug from the fioor, where sister found me 10 minutes later parents couldnt look at me for a month, sister want talk to me vhats your worst tripping balls experience /b/? reddit

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Afraid of the dark | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/05/21(Tue)10:12:46 No.63796100 >be me >in uni >talking to a girl >she complains about the 12 yo brat she has to babysit >says he's weird >"idk he does weird stuff, not the 980 KB GIF kind of stuff that a 12 yo boy does. You for example, what did you do when you were 12?, anon?" >"uhm... I..." >flashbacks of me spending every single afternoon on /pol/ >"anon? Did you hear me?" >"yes, well I... did racism on the internet" >"racism on the internet?" >"yeah" >"oh ok, got to go, bye" How to outlift this situation?

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Anon like Fred Flintstone | /r/Greentext

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