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I don't see why he is mad about this

□ Anonymous (ID: PYeOR) 04/28/14(Mon)18:50:27 No.544267093 File: 1382791999287 gif (460 KB, 220x132) >>544267316 >>544268942 544266674 >Be in basic >Get to the range for weapon drills >forgot my bayonet >Tell DS >"That's okay recruit, we'll get you a new one >given a spoon, am ordered to duct tape it to my rifle have to use this f------ spoon for the rest of basic where is your spoon, cadet? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KILL ANY ENEMIES WITHOUT YOUR SPOON?!?" mfw nicknamed captain crunch for rest of basic

Dial-Up ftw

Anonymous 04/19/14(Sat)21:46 No.240360246 File: 1291080084888.jpg (116 KB, 336x333) >>240 60 408 >>240360968 >>240364706 >>24 >24 >Mom is mad as s--- because the phone bill skyrocketed sincel discovered dial up >Anon, you can only connect 1 hour a day >Used the hour playing Starcraft 1 AM Homy Craving for glorious online fap >Aww s---, I want sum p--- gifs! >Mom took the phone cable, the PC is in the living room, 2 meters from phone jack >Brainstorm a plan >Steal foot long cable from phone >PC rest on top of some weird desk with no wheels >GOTTA BE SILENT >Slowly slide a blanket under the desk >Very carefully, very slowly slide PC and desk across livingroom >Half an hour later, PC is close enough to phonejack d toilet paper and scotch tape ule modem speake t chene >14.4 Kbps, 25 minutes later, fapping furiously in the middle of the living room Hear a noise behind me >Pull up pants >Trip with phone cable >CPU falls from desk, horrible metal noises everywhere Mom and dad rush in >PC is frozen, fullscreen JPG of some hairy girl sticking a carrot on her p---- >PJs on floor, ass up >Is dad's Work PC >DAD GOES BERSERK HEAR A BATTLECRY >mfw my dad kicked me so hard in the ass i got hemorroids

4chan

File: 1397875003927 ipg-(99 KB, 800x432, monkey.jpg) Anonymous (ID: qeua1zMS) 04/18/14(Fri)22:36:43 UTC-4 No.542882825 >Be me 15 years old >New tard comes to my school >Locker right next to mine >D------- doesn't know how to open lockers >Constantly have to open it for him >Remember his combination 12-3-24 >One day get an idea >Get a dildo from my friend's house >Bring it to school >Asked my teacher ifI could go to nurse >No one is in hallway >Perfect for my plan >Start unlocking combination >Suddenly third period ends shitstorm of kids come >Quickly shove dildo in locker >Run to end of hallway to watch plan unfold >Nothing happens so I go back to my locker >Sees giant vein coeed dildo >Had >Whole hallway sees including my girlfriend >She's crying now >My nickname is Dildon for the rest of High School >Go to college thinking the past is behind me >People from my old school find my Facebook >Whole thing starts up again >Humiliated for 2 whole years >Decide I'm sick of it >Get an idea >Buy a s--- ton of pocket p------ >Put them in a suitcase >Going to attempt to put all of them under some Douche's bed >Walking to room >Trip over a box of s--- >Suitcase spills over >Pocket p------ everywhere I am now known as "Virgin Viper" FML running out of classrooms wrong locker the whole time

Analogies, Ahoy!

, 95439253563ip(122 KB, 571x359, bueno aahkdQ) 03/22S43 14 24 13 UTC No 538444327 Story time. The frst time I posted this story rt was done ㅲ a hurry so here l conect everything that was wrong with it the frs time around I swaar to you on my dog's a--- viginty that no waking dinosaurs, thae fddias, West Philadalphias or Pokamen advantures are in store Be me 16 hed r, small 3 bedroom, house with m um, pops and psychotic tweer, bbch #9632348 ster, whom we will call Sis, had our own bedrooms 뇌 was allowed to have an old desktop it my room This philege was gven under the No m----------- proclamation of 2008 Had to have door unlocked 24/7. Parents montor my website actiities so that I may never stray from the path of a tue Jedi Bitch Sis stopped by my room every now and then tried keep me on my toes Bitch didm realize Iwas a goddamn Russian ballerina poeing through tantalizing testicle teasing tubes l became daredevil. Heard peaple coming to my >Developed the reflexes of tweeked up spastic tiger opening and closing windows like m a 1980s hacker wrung up on meth Can't have prvacy so I watch I want then use memories to relieve mysef in the shower mles away And as much I would like to discuss my fapping habits they have little to do with the story so i stop there Sister brought bayfriend to house from time to time scrawny metro-sexual faggelt looked ike Justin Bieber and a sightly less feminine version of himself had a child >Dude acts all cool and understanding infront of pereres Six convinces them she's trying to "Save his soul, so they give ther blessing l enforced the No Penetration act of 2009 so well the NSA sent me some recrtmenterature would pop out of the shadows every time l heard them go qua鵴and I would just stand there and stare at them Like a ghoulish shadow in the comer of ther ayes I destroyed every chance they got every mave they made like the judgmental eyes of 갠 wrathful god l peered ito their very 50uls as eerie 3nd wirward 35 the whole of /mpustaToysRUs! AND 1 AM CREEPER TERROR WATCHER VOYEURI AM THE EYES IN THE DARKNESS THE SENTRY OF THE NIGHT MINE IS PRESENCE AND My sister got real tired of my sht and so did her poor excuse for a lesh dide A pian that would only seve as uel to the aging inemo that was my lack of social Ide and surplus of hee tima While I was enjoying my shower time they went into my room and browsed as well as downloaded some hardcore gay BOSM in ther called a dity Ittle Parents came home fom work, chacked my homework and went through my PC as always -s--- ht the fan 50 h rd bits and piece5 were 5悀raring down 3 days later in downtown Cincrnati it was Like watching a paychopathic clown shoing roils af quarters up a midgets ass and knowing you're next Tried to xplan may h ve been avrus or a prank, but it was like trying to se4a three legged came) to Jfw Thay purgad all my intamat, vydia and computar prlegea. And rom then on I was to go to Sunday school Just like any As unikaly as & sounds I have thienda, one which was a mastar of f------ with peopla ha asked to be called Jarold Jarold and I discussed some plans before Snaly deciding on the one that was most likely to succeed my t--- here we one of the pan F 뇌ddn't have anything to do with my free tame other than read,since I wasn't allowed anywhere ter 5PM All my time was spent dicking around in my room,I even stopped checking up on my sister pgn Every now and then I would lsugh, not my normal laugh but a higher pitched, wbrating laugh with small pauses between exhales getting his d--- sucked while bench pr First eforts were uselass but ater a whle boytoy and Sis stat to notice swould isten umi they went quiet then | would do it loud enough for them to notice, did t 3 to 4 times day never ád it when pererts where home oOnù day sister ks about the sound canning from my room i act coffuse and chuck it up to the wind coming though the bathsoom window BDMS Kept doing&for the naxt fow weaks til she got truly annoyed and bagan to come into my room and tell me to stopt l never got caught doing itIwas always viglant I would stop if she was too close kept acting lke 1 didn know what she was talking about acted concemed about her wel-being -The seed af Ater a month or so of my neurotic sponge bob laugh she became used to t and thought nothing of it this too was part of the plan He lent me a voice rec order tiny matherfucker I could hida t just about anywhere but the bitch could got dacent audio output 거walked out inthe bang room and made sure Sis and Federine saw me lese, sad I was gon g to the store ol lat bahind tha recordar ready to sat off 13 minutes ater my daparture and 10 minutas ater the fest laugh 기 entered the Seven Eleven and stufed my face with ice cream bars ike l was Sasha Grey on an interracial gangbang for 20 minutes lient back h--- exactly 30 minutes had passed since my depanuro i oreered the house and found fund Sis and Timberlake n the bang onhh tha look on their faces when I came into the house,gets me wet every time I think about it eel ske Tzkunkda) 03/22/141Sat)14:39 36 UTC No 533445572 They looked ike they just saw me crawl out of a giant a------ on the wal my inner bale and Asked them 50mething happened, said they looked 5haken, looked Si5 in the eyes as l said Sis got p-----, began rarting saying things like if this was my idea of a joke I was sick Al bunch of accusatory s---, as if she didnt just see me come in through the front door She Kept asking me how I didt ol put on my best scowl and ask if she's on drugs. Tell her that she's been acting all f----- up since she brought Honey pants to the house Shat the f----- an angry lock as I did .Duda looked so contused Ska ha just discovered Asian nookie ia slanted juat ika our ayes Told her was gonna tell mum and pops about how she's acting This seemed to cool her off a bit is was reminded I held the power to narc like the lile coward she knew I was 거 told her to get her s--- straght and stop d ng whatever theyre doing. Walked of ika a Texan cowboy nght after the Alamo it was a week and some change since the voice recorder incident Sis hadn't yet told parents anything about the prank Mly laugh had begun to afect her again, sha would un up to my scom to catch me doing t She forgot she was Candace and I was Phineas and Pharb -She couldnt catch me doing it sometimes I would use the record in my room while I was in the living room just to f--- with her she went through lots of sht in my room tryng to find it made me worry she might havo done zone point but no doe She told me t cold anly be me doing that noise that Joe Jonas could hear it too would do the laugh ㅲ longu ntervals now I would skip some days just to gie her a false since af security She was loosing sleep she couldnt enjoy her time with Lance Bass anymore, she kept trying to catch me 뇌 became thesneakest little s--- that ever had considered a carrier in aspionage Nah it would ubimately get in the way of my dream of becoming Pokemon master of Kanto Tzkhkぬ) 03/22/14(Sat)14:43 10UTC No 538445878 The day came shere she could not take it anymore and once more threw parents at me like a pair of rabid dogs at smal paraplegic r Told them I kept trying to prank her but it was all really immature and annoying Jhonny Depp was there to back her up eleven types of s--- my guns lke an Gave Oscar worthy performance about my innocence made t clear that I was nowhere near the house I won the Oscar later that year and gracatully dadicated it to Dicapio without whom I would ba no one. saed my recepts I had an albi I was a fapist on foreign land with diplomatic immunity GET Parents gave us that we're to old for this sht talk, wamed me and let of the hook The time was upon ust All my hard work was paying off. I had spent all that time setting up the MY LEVEL, ID: Tzkankda) 03/22/141Sat)14 44 18 UTC No 538445964 Phase Three COW DUNG TO INDUSTRIAL FAN Friday night mum and pops had a date I was lat alone with Sis She asked t sha could call Culien over and they said yes F----- said he couldnt come. At this point I knew the goat I had slaughtered to Adanimus god of mischief had granted me his blessing ver since the laugh incident she had never been alone in the house. She knewl was the only possible explanation for the laughs the only logcal explanation only humans could be more logical packed my stut and told her i neded to go to the library She looked nanous God knows shemas fight to ba 거said goodbye and waked out the door, head held high feeing te man with a dck the size of a baby elephant's trunk Once there I grabbed tha frat book that intereated me chacked it out at the counter, sat down and bagan reading Tzkthkd0) 03/22/14/Sat)14 45 19 UTC No 5.38446037 Now this is the account of the events that transcribed at my home as tald by Jarold Be Jarold age unknown be the greabest neckbeard that has ever lived I kiss grls cus m a aggo sl left school early that day, and made my way to anons house, found the keys the house under a green stone tutle in the backyard nside Made l waited in the close heat pounding, d--- erect, clothed in my black tattered monk hood iuld come time came Itaped the reconder to 03/22/14(Sat)14:46 22 UTC No.538446134 played the recorded to max volume, but Igot no reaction.1 could hear the Tv blaring outside, soItned again a couple of times before gving up The This deat bitch wa ing room sneaked outside being realy quiet went nto the living room there splendor was Anon's sister Face down a getting pounded fom behind by some skinny locking fagget They both had the backs turned to me This was belter than the plan this was a once in a lifetime opportunity god had 5 eath to make sure these hormy m------------ got scared 5htless! I would carry ORD AND SAMIOR HAILAAAA y panties aready mom's spaghets l sipped the recorder to a Chinese igin being ving room stealth like, this dude was pounding that ass good no way they would have noticed even fI danced >l took a deep breath and screamed at the top of my lungs WHAT THE F--- ARE YOU DOING 7zkthkdQ) 03/22/14(Sat)14 51:05 UTC No.538446540 watched the color wash of their faces Exquiste teror in their eyes Lord can one man expenence such biss? They were staring into the a------ of god and it was searing their mortal eyes Iwas choking on my own slobber trying not to The girla screamed a high pitch scream aach note neverberated though out my body and I achieved Shangr-la The f----- made gesture as if to shield the girl with his body but the girl was trying desperately to get up and un Before they could regan composure I put my hand to my collar and press play on the recorder Anon's ungodly shriek came forth fomit The duda p----- himsar, Iterally a stream of urina speled forth rom his eract shan Kinda impressive he coud keep a boner in this stuation, bravo, bravo PS. brb door Reples right hand and Sceched a spawn of Satan THE L rwords could not describe the sound : came from these two Like the Bqueaks of drlating boloen. ike gumes p乎wating to be fed -They ran naked into the vast unknown, and 35 ' heard ther screams l ㎞ew my purpose had been fulfiled could áe nowrest forever. met Jarold later that day he said things had not gone cording to plan but everything was Ok a bunch of police s back Fin

Image #721,627

>Traveling across US mited by two friends in NY to have dinner in a restaurant >Waiter comes to the table "What can I get for you gentlemen this evening?" order a vegetable platter and a small bowl of olive oil >first friend orders cheese burger with fries, and a 12oz steak with extra mashed potatoes >second friend orders full rack of ribs, pulled pork sammie, macaroni and cheese, and deep fried pickles >15 min later waiter returns with their food friend asks me if I want to try a fry, say sure, grab one and gently pour ketchup onto it >he looks at me in confusion and asks me what I'm doing starts pounding bottle of ketchup into a separate bowl he requested >empties another one into the bowl asks the waiter for a third bottle and empties it into the bowl >grabs a handfull of fries, oil dripping down his arm as he squeezes them >making airplane noises BRRRRRRRM, Wooooo000, vooooOSH dunks them into the bowl of ketchup, entire fist is stained red >has to forcefully shove them into his mouth as to make sure none of them drop tells me "that's how ain't no f----- eats sum fries" other friend says "praise jesus" and starts clapping >soon the entire restaurant is clapping >waiter comes back with the food I ordered >soggy, dripping pizza margherita and a small bowl of olive oi >"I ordered a vegetable platter, not a pizza... that's not what I wanted.. >"Oh, I'm sorry. How about a fruit salad?" he said while holding up a cherry flavored lollipop >first friend is laughing while chunks of french fry evacuate from his mouth man in 10 gallon hat walks up to our table and starts shooting revolvers into the ceiling of the restaurant screaming YEEE HAW" repeatedly eagle bursts through the ceiling and takes my oil

Image #720,658

File: 1395358042580.jpg-(95 KB, 776x651, image.jpg) O Gurl Gamerz of Ivl Anonymous 03/20/14(Thu)19:27 No.236380309 Replies: 236381838 2236382109 236385937 236387186 2236387656 22236389096 236389127 2236389302 22236389306 22236389307 2236390285 >Be en playing MMO with a friend of mine for a few years, I'll call him Jerry GAY, >He'stygoodhithmanenga mass tneforriends' pretty slow, but a good guy >Super good with money, amasses a fortune >Pretty soon he's making loads of new 'friends' Happy for him, but warn him that they might have other motives One day Jerry calls me distraught STurns out one of his sly bastard 'friends' stole everything SVow to help him get it back >Make a new account, act full on 'gamer gurrrill >Befrend the thief STurns out he scams a lot of people, bragged about it all the time >Keep the act up for months >Eventually get access to his account Rob him blind and give half of his stuff to Jerry, the rest I gave to begginers

Image #720,045

□ Anonymous 10/23/11 (Sun)16:25:19 No.250558 File1319401519.ipg-(119 KB, 608x451, thomyorke.jpg) >Be 15 >Fapping to Anne Frank >Have model of mountains near me Mom walks in and goes crazy, stabs dad with fork >Start to c-- Panic >Semen stains the mountain tops mfw

Image #717,401

Anonymous (ID: 7hc53h/b) 03/14/14(Fri)19:34:23 UTC-4 No.537203915 Replies: >537205521 537216829 File: 1394840063064 gif-(13 KB, 633x758, 1345606456713.gif) 22537200906 (OP) im gonna tell you a story /b/ >be me, 3 years ago, high school c>meet kid freshman year, nice guy, weird sense of humor >found out he likes computers and s--- stell him s----- linux joke laughs his f------ ass off >dont know why >flash forward a year later still good freinds >used to tell me to come over siblings had sports,literally everyday i had something and the only time i can talk to him was through skype at like 9 >felt horrible >promised him that i would one day >always talked to me about how it would be cool to come over >well later on he killed himself yeah thats right >he did it >during summer i actually had the time to visit his house go over to his pc which his family never turned off or touched >he wrote a suicide note to me >on skype >didnt hit send read the whole thing >feel terrible tells me that i was basically his only friend, and he got too depressed he trusted me and i just left him felt horrible turns out he had a whole day plan if i did go to his place >huge list >last thing on there was >"step 12: finally be happy" >broke down and cried >went home threw out my plan of things id like to do if i went over his place. his brother called me up telling me that he wanted to tell me that i was the only person he trusted and that he was sorry for leaving me >been sad ever since

The bro house final chapter

OP 02/08/13(Fri)22:13 No.17620172 Replies: 17620214 2 17620267 2217620269 2217620338 2217620395 2217620549 2217620646 2217621749 2217626086 2217626168 22 17626512 17626999 17627080 > 17627525 17628112 >chillbro bails M says something along the lines of "not even worth justifying your s----- attitude, goes upstairs as well Foodbro "You fat f------ sow, I don't think I've ever despised a human being more. You selfish lazy f------ c---. If you didnt provide the service of your disgusting self to my friends penis I would have happily thrown you in a lake months ago. I hope you enjoy your life thinking you can just do what you want because one day, youre going to wake up and realize what a s--- pile you are, and then youll hopefully kill yourself" and then turns on his heel and goes upstairs find chilbro m and foodbro at the edge of the property, smoking in the backyard hear bonybro from inside losing his f------ mind front door slams see doradus waddling down the street with her two garbage bags of possessions crying her eyes out the witch is dead bonvbro comes out he says that he told her to pay for all the food shes stolen from the house and for the dress or he would press charges she eventually did house was the coolest place ever for the next two years before we finished school and moved on got the invite to foodbro and m's wedding today we never found out if she killed herself

The bro house part 6

OP 02/08/13(Fri)22:10 No.17620120 Replies: 17620214 2 17620269 2217620395 2217620549 2217626168 2217626512 2217627080 doradus starts wandering around in underwear knowing that people are chilling in the living room as if shes trying to prove that shes the real hot girl starts making pasive aggresive comments to m "oh you should eat more, then youd get some curves" (lolwut) even bonybro starting to get tired of her s--- starts getting mad at her when she says things to foodbro like "you're man enough to date a real woman" and starts asking her what the f--- she means by comments like that fights everywhere me chillbro and m are outside smoking, she thinks its hilarious the one day m and foodbro come back from late shift me and chillbro are vidya like m------------ in the living room m and foodbro go downstairs foodbro rages me chillbro and bonybro (who had been upstairs) come down doradus is in the basement suite again, trying to squeeze her fat ass into one of m's dresses DAMMIT JIM IM A DOCTOR NOT A MIRACLE WORKER SHES DEAD JIM dress is history, seams ripped, zipper torn away from fabric Foodbro so mad hes shaking M just quietly tallying the damage "Oh sorry hee hee, I just needed something to wear and thought we were close enough to the same size" >I wish I could make this s--- up Doradus is at least 260 standing at a proud 5'2" >M is at most 130 at 5'6" foodbro turns to bonybro "get this f------ behemoth out of my room, and then we are going to have a f------ sit down, you and I." Doradus counters "Behemoth? Says you, lard ass." S--- JUST GOT REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL

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