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Have any of you had to deal with the death of a family member? How did you cope with it?

…I usually don't like to talk about my personal life over the internet, but in case you are wondering, here's what's been going on:

My 76-year old grandfather has been fighting off lung cancer for the ninth time, but has received pneumonia from an unknown source about 2 days ago. He is currently at the hospital, but is under heavy sedation, combined with a ventilator. Four hours before this writing, the doctors have informed us that there is not much that can be done, and plan to switch off the life support systems tomorrow. Before such, the family will gather around him for the last time to give their last words. According to him, his final goal in life was to see me graduate, but unless a miracle is cast upon him, he will never get to see it.

I've never experienced this feeling of sadness before. There has not once been a death in the family that has caused this much trauma within me. Out of all the billions of people in this world, he was one of nine people I truly care about. If only these words could speak out as loudly as the physical emotions they are trying to emit. All I can do, according to my family, is to pray for his soul.

He was a believer of God in the catholic faith. I don't want this incoming death to affect anyone here, but all I request is for anyone out there to pray, wish, or ask for this man you know nothing about to be spared once more of death. Nothing more; you don't have to believe in a holy spirit. I still believe that the 1% chance survival rate can happen.

I wish I could help, but I have the opposite problem. I worry that I don't grieve enough.

I had one relative that I remember hearing about their death, a few years ago. I felt a little sad, but it was right during finals in college, and they were a step-grandmother that we didn't visit too often, so I didn't think too much of my "shallowness".

More recently, a few months ago, the older of our two dogs died. I mean, yes, technically he wasn't human, but I considered him family. And I loved him a lot. Thankfully, it was painless, and it wasn't unexpected, and I'm glad he's not limping around half-blind anymore, but his death still made me sad. Still, despite the realization I wouldn't see him anymore, and the memories that came flooding back, I don't know if I felt "sad enough". To be honest, I almost felt numb, emotionally. I was able to force myself to shed a few tears that I knew existed but didn't seem to be coming out on their own, but for a few days, I just basically lay in bed, not doing much of anything, just trying to distract myself in the way that required the least effort possible.

I'm worried if I'm unintentionally bottling things up, because there are still days that I think of him, and I still miss him, but I don't get sad. Perhaps a little somber, but it's fleeting. I didn't go through denial, or anger, or bargaining, so is depression on its own enough to lead to acceptance?

Or am I really just incapable of empathy? One of the symptoms of autism is decreased empathy, and I've always felt relatively unemotional compared to most people (or at the very least, I don't seem to experience stuff like rage, jealousy, indignity, and other "forceful" emotions much at all) and I'm very introverted (which is weird because with the few "friends" I do have online I seem to be incessantly chatty with them, possibly to the point of annoyance). Heck I'm pretty self-centered as well, considering I've basically been talking about my own woes this whole time. I'm just worried that this all adds up to me being some sort of psychopath or something.

So yeah, sorry for complaining instead of offering any actual useful advice or anything. I hope somebody wiser and more secure than myself will be able to help.

Well, my grandfather died about some 7 years ago. Back at the time I was like 9. The last time I saw him I sort of had an argument with him. He was a really wise, serious, and caring man and wanted me to have some traits that would help me survive anywhere. Of course when you are like 9 and someone wants you to have a Jotaro-like personality, there's not much that can be done. You simply don't like the idea. 7 years later, today, I understand some of the traits he wanted me to have. (And I bet we would get along so well!) He wanted me to be a doctor because in my family there aren't doctors beside him. Today I don't know what I want to study, but I have enough time to decide that. Back at the topic at hand, when he left I was mad at him. My mom was just devastated for the following weeks. I really didn't know how to feel. Some days after it happened I started to realize he wasn't there anymore. (We lived in the same house)
So that's my experience. 7 years later when I visit his grave I cry and wonder what could our relationship be now that I passed childhood.
I wish the best for your relative, Pepsi Man. Stay strong.

Losing family members is hard and it never gets easier.

I'm not an especially religious person, but I think there is a lot of value for praying for their soul. If I understand what praying is, then to really pray for someone's soul is to make a case for them to enter Heaven. And the best way to make that case is to remember all the times you've shared and a grandfather's love for his family. Now, when (maybe not soon but someday) you lose your grandfather, it will be crucial to remember these moments and how much he loved you and the rest of his family. And although he will pass, the love will not, if you remember the kindness he showed throughout his life, and you honour it in how you treat others and especially how you treat your future grandchildren, that is how what matters most about your grandpa will live on, through your actions. I feel as though this is what people really want to do with their lives is to live as examples to others. I understand his final goal is to see you graduate, but he seems as though he has lived a full life and is trying to stick it out for one more milestone. So if he doesn't make it try not to dwell on that so much. Nothing written here will help you as much as talking to your parents probably will so if you are really feeling down I think it would be best to talk to them instead of the creeps and nerds we have here.

Maybe your grandpa will make it, I don't know. But I'm sure that if he passes he would rather you remember and cherish the time you spent together and to grow from his passing. Remember that after mourning his death, to celebrate his life. Even though losing him will be more difficult than I can put into text, I believe that you can come through it and become a stronger individual from it.

It's really hard to lose people you care about. Sometimes it seems the best thing you can do is hope to become numb to it. But even then, the question is whether you really want to or even can.

I can't really tell you that your grandfather will be okay or that everything will be okay. The best thing I can tell you is what I know. I know that your grandfather loved you for a reason. He sees something in you that you yourself might not even be aware of. That's really why people even bother with other people, isn't it? So, the best thing you can do for him is be the best you that you can be. Don't be who you think your grandfather wanted you to be, because that's not who he loved. He loved what he sees in you; put simply, he loves you. So work towards being you in every aspect of your life. Your dreams, your goals, your personality, your strengths, and even your weaknesses. All of those things define you. So carry on with those things he loved in your mind and in your heart. Because even when he's not physically around, you're still carrying around something he'd be proud of. And with that, still carrying him with you.

That's generally what I do.

Also, I'm not really one for praying, but I guess I can give it a shot.

One of my grandmother's died when I was in middle school. My grandfather died when I was in elementary school. A good friend died in a car accident in middle school. My uncle passed this past year. I feel as if I understand the pain of death, but not the dread of him not living long enough to see you graduate.

More directly to your request, I am a Christian. I'll pray that he would live long enough to see you graduate.

In my honest opinion, knowing someone is going to pass away is somewhat easier to handle than if they died all of a sudden and you just heard the news of their passing. If they do have date for when they will die than at least it will give you some time to prepare yourself for when that loved one does pass on and you know that that person will die surrounded by loved ones and have a chance to offer their final words.

My uncle from my mothers side, my mom's sisters husband, died within a short and painful span of about 10-15 minutes as he was suddenly struck by a massive pain in his chest that felt like a knife. He was screaming and shouting to get help and send him to a hospital. He die as they were driving him to the hospital and the doctors were incapable of anything to save him. It was a Saturday two year ago right before Christmas holidays, I was at a Christmas party held at one of my games workshop hobby stores and I had a really fantastic time the whole day. Than after when my dad picked me up from the mall after the day he told the news to me about his sudden passing. As if all of the joy i had experienced that day was sucked right out of me as I tried to process the information that he just told me of my uncles passing. For once in my life did i finally experience the full effect of loosing a close family member that I truly knew and loved. My uncle was like my dads best friend in the entire world and he was one of the funniest people you could ever meet. Making people laugh to the point of tears was like his best aspect and was adored by everyone who he was able to have him in their lives. And the worst part of all of it is that every time i saw him talking to my folks on Skype he would always ask for me to come over and visit them but I was always reluctant because of the growing problems and tensions in Venezuela and I always said "I am not sure when, but soon I promise". Now I look back and wish that I would have had at least gone back and visited him once more. You never know how much you truly loved someone until they are gone forever.

So my one piece of advice from me if it may mean anything to you or help you prepare for that day or for future cases like this. Be thankful for everything those people gave to you. Take solace in the fact that if your grandfather will not make it, he would at least be surrounded by family and loved ones and to be able to offer a few last words before passing on. What I went through is an experience I hope you or nobody else ever have to experience. No chance to speak or see each other one last time, nothing. He was just taken away from us without even a chance.

There is an Islamic saying: To God we belong and to Him is our return.

Excuse me now, this whole post actually brought me to tears just thinking about him.

Only big loss I really had was my grandma last December. I actually don't often get sad about things in general mainly because I accept that everything is fleeting. Everything has an end. That may sound depressing but with the right mindset and when it truly sinks in you realize it's actually kind of calming. Mainly when you realize that the pain will end.

One thing that really helps is thinking about whether this family member's life was full. My grandma wasn't super old, still in her 80s, but she lived as much as she could. She even had great grandkids and met them regularly. She was basically the head of my dad's side of the family. She was really religious and did lots of nice things because of it as well as the fact that she's just a good person. Her religion also gave her peace when she died because she knew 100% she was going to heaven. She even decided not to get a shit-ton of surgery because of this as well as the fact that burning all that money and emotion just to postpone death by a little was not worth it to her.

Basically all of her family and friends within any range at all met her in the nursing home. She died on christmas eve when I was driving home from the airport from when we got to her.

I cried yeah but I also have the thing Roy G Biv mentioned where I think I'm bottling things up most of the time. From what you said about your grandpa, it sounds like he will have some peace during death. Think about his whole life and how long you've known him. Don't dwell on regret, think about how thorough his life was. He's religious as you said so he probably found peace through that. You even said how people come to see him so he gets to say goodbye. Saying goodbye is one of the most important things. He may have been taken away a bit earlier than he should have but it still seems like he lived a long time especially after all that fighting you mentioned against cancer. That's about an average length life.

I believe your grandpa is happy. If it makes you happy or not it doesn't matter because sadness is also okay I wish I could feel it more than I do. Just remember that pain leaves. Everything leaves. You'll get over it while still remembering. It wasn't too long ago yet when she died but when I think of my grandma I grin and so does everyone who knew her. That will happen to you too. Use this for every loss you face and don't give up.

I feel you man, I am in the same position; my grandfather on my dad's side is slowly dying due to his Alzheimer's. He fell multiple of times before too, which freaked Grandma out and in turn, everyone else. My parents are having to go up north to visit him. From the sounds of it, he might not have much time left to live. I love him and I've visited him multiple of times before during the summer of some years when ever my parents had the money to take at least a couple of kids up north to visit the grandparents and they would visit us whenever they can during thanksgiving and Christmas.

Whats worse is that this has been gradually going on for the past few years. The earliest I can remember is when I visited him and my grandma for the last time: He was having trouble seeing where his train set went in the basement after the basement gotten rearranged and organized. He couldn't remember where they were now despite me finding it. He would get angry because he didn't know it would be and I never saw him ever get angry before. He then started to lose balance and the times he would fall started to happen My parents had to come up north to help my grandma with grandpa and he's been in the hospital. There's more but I don't want to make this post too long.

There are other family members that died around me. This includes a teacher I had in middle school while I still had her as my teacher, but that was back in middle school, the family members died with in the past 3 years, I don't want my grandpa to be next but I also think he will finally be free from Alzheimer's once he does.

Anyways, the way I deal with it is that I believe all of my family members and my middle school teacher are in heaven and they're better off there than here on Earth since they now are in paradise. Though I may not count myself as completely religious, but I do respect the religious wishes of others, such as these; I will pray for your grandpa.

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now, i know how it feels, and we are here to help
My maternal grandma died when i was 10 she had Alzheimer and broke her hip bone around the Illium and my paternal grandma died when i was 14, she was bedridden because of infections. Both of them hurt a lot but we knew it was going to happen so we spent as much time as we could with them. But the one that really made me feel sad was with my Aunt 6 years ago, 9 years ago she broke her leg and no one was willing to help her, not her sons or daughters so my mother offered herself and i helped some days, she stayed in our house during the week and weekends she went with her daughter (after seeing how nice my mom was with her she also wanted to help her). I loved her so much, we spent days just talking, joking and we just having a good time, when she recovered she couldnt go back to her house so she stayed with us from monday to friday, and helped us with cooking. It was a great, we all were happy. until 1 day she was just leaving for the weekend and we did the usual, say goodbye and all of that. I remember i said, "I love you, see you on monday" she left and that night we went to a restaurant and when we were coming back home my dad recieved a call from one of my cousins, she had a heart attack and died, my mom went crazy and i broke down in tears. And in monday i remember i entered the house and saw an urn with her ashes, and cried again because even in death she got to keep her promise
These experiences taught me some things:
Spend as much time with your family and loved ones until death, if you can, even to their last breath, they will appreciate having people care about them
Always make the last memory a pleasant one, tell them how you love him/her.
Keep a memento from them, something that reminds you of the good times you had. I keep a calendar she gave me 9 years ago and a scapular with an image she really liked
If you made a promise, try as hard to accomplish it even if they are not there to see you, you will feel nice you worked hard for them

I've never had the feeling of personally losing somebody close to me. While I've lost over half of my grandparents and one of my Uncles to either old age or cancer, I was either too young to really ever make a bond with them or understand what their death meant for everyone else.

I guess the little advice I can give is don't fall into Guilt or dwell on things you should have done. While you will miss him, it's your job to hold the part of him he gave to you in his life. Even though he won't be there physically see you graduate, he'll be proud in spirit when you do.

I prayed for a good bit of time after my first attempt at writing this. Felt… Warm.

Don't feel you must carry the burden alone. The rest of your family is there for you, and many of the people here, myself included, will be willing to listen to you when your emotions get the better of you

I lost my grandpa 6 years ago to diabetes, though I really didn't know him much, it really hit me hard, because I sometimes visited him and he was so cheerful and happy for a visit.

Losing someone is really hard(especially if they were super close to you). I really hope your grandpa gets through. I will pray in him getting better.

I have been reading all your guys' and gals' posts for the past day, and I want to thank you all for your support in this difficult moment for me. You are some of the most supportive people out there, and there is not much I can show to prove my gratitude. As of today, we've not received any information on his status, so the whole family will go to the hospital in a few hours to visit him for their last time. Personally, I still believe he can overcome the chances against him…this isn't his first life-threatening dilemma.

Once again, for all those who gave advice, or promised to pray/wish their best of luck for this man, I truly thank you all for your act of kindness. I will inform his status as soon as I can.

To briefly conclude this thread, I want to thank every single one of you who replied to this thread with nothing but positive remarks. You went out of your way to give your condolences for a person you may never know in your life. Thank you all.

…I will keep this thread open in case any of you fine people have questions.

Final Update

The Funeral and Veteran burial services were held today at 1 PM and 3 PM respectively. He was honored by three shots, and his wife given the cases and a folded flag. He will be missed dearly.

End