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So asexuality is a topic that I have never seen discussed here at all so I think its a good idea to make a thread to help inform about and help dispel any misconceptions one might have about it.
This comic does an excellent job on explaining what it is in detail

Fun Fact: dispelling misconceptions made me realize I was Ace. So this thread might make you ace.

The comic started to be good, and then the creator started putting people into boxes like Tumblr likes to do.

Well I guess my main question would be… uh… who cares?
Okay, now that sounds pretty harsh, but I don't really mean it in a negative way. Let me explain a bit- as far as I can gather, the only practical difference that being asexual makes on someone's life is that they're much less likely to want to fuck, and thus acts a "normal" person would make that partially or wholly under the "trying to fuck" category are either gone or significantly altered. But here's the thing- there have been people who didn't much care for having sex numbering in the millions and going back to the dawn of civilization, and the reasons they would collectively give are too numerous to even imagine. It seems to me that they would all face basically the same hardships no matter what those are (corresponding to when and where they lived of course)- some basic "lol you virgin fgt lol" idiocy from certain idiots, complications with relationships associated with sexuality and sometimes parents being pissed that you aren't giving them grandchildren. (That one thing in the comic about being more likely to get sexually assaulted and "corrective rape" has got a giant, flaming [CITATION NEEDED] missing.) Honestly, I just don't see why people would want or need to announce this to the entire internet. That's kinda how I feel about gay/straight as well, but I guess at the very least that could provide people some explanation for why you're posting beefcake pictures on your blog or whatever.

I don't like the "Heteroromantic". "Homoromantic" etc idea that comic proposed because then that means someone could be a heterosexual homoromantic, which doesn't make any sense.

I think Asexuality exists but "romantic" doesn't seem like it would work.

Also "Virginity is an damaging idea especially towards women"….because no men are ever shamed for being virgins. Sorry but that comic kinda reeks of propaganda.

Some discussion of the comic is fine since the OP linked it but this thread is meant to be about asexuality in general, not just how it is depicted in the comic. Please keep that in mind.

Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are not the same thing. I don't see your reasoning of it not working because someone might identify as a "heterosexual homoronantic". It's not meant for identifying as that, its ment to ensure if someones lack of sexual or romantic attraction is distinct from the other. I'll use myself as an example, I lack sexual attraction to anyone, I even get uncomfortable when something sexual comes up unwanted. But I am (very easily mind you) romantically attracted to the opposite gender. So I am a Heteroromantic Asexual. Again, sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same thing.

Because a large part of romantic attraction is sexual attraction. I get that asexuals don't feel a sexual urge but because romantic feelings and sexual attraction are so linked, I believe if you are asexual it is simply the sex you don't feel a desire for, but the desire for companionship still exists.

Its like wanting a chocolate cake, but not liking the icing flavor. The whole cake is still there, just some part of it is undesirable. I think Asexuals are either Straight, Bi, Or Gay, they just lack the desire for sex. And the idea that romantic feelings and sexual feelings are separate things leads to contradictory things like I mentioned earlier of someone who could want to have sex with the opposite gender but only want to date the same sex.

Then what of the people who lack any romantic attraction? They can still have sexual attraction but are incapable of feeling romantic attraction. So why cant they be called aromantic? Sexuality and attraction is way more complicated than you might want to think it is. You can call having a heteroromantic orientation plus a asexual orientation "straight" if you want it to, whats important is acknowledging the existence of said orientation. And even if you still don't agree with their orientation, why even bother confronting them on it? Let people express how they are as long as it isn't deliberately harmful.

Lack of romance falls into the same argument I mentioned earlier. Simply wanting the sex you would still desire sex with either the same sex, opposite sex, or both meaning you would be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.

I do think asexuality exists, my only problem is with the idea of romantic attraction and sexual attraction being these separated things instead of something that is linked but sometimes one might get lost. I prefer to think of them as the same thing just at different intensities. That desire for bonding with another being. Humans are sexual creatures and desire sex and companionship. The desire to just bond with another human is a romantic feeling, the intense desire to bond and reproduce may lead to the person wanting sex.

Also sex just feels good, and for some people that can be addicting or intoxicating to the point where it overrides their desire to be romantically attached to someone.

Like I said though, I do think Asexuality exists, I am just disagreeing on the comic on the "Heteromantic" idea but like the Mod Said this is a discussion of asexuality not the comic so I don't want to keep this topic off topic, if you want you can make another thread about it.

Where did you get the idea that sexual attraction and a emotional romantic attraction are one and the same? I have a girlfriend who's completely repulsed by sex and you think she should be only called pansexual despite that? Yes she's can be romantically attracted to any gender, but she completely lacks sexual attraction. I have zero desire to have sex with anyone but I still fell in love anyways. Yes romantic attraction is part of whats meant to trick people into reproducing, but that's the part that tells you want to be with someone and stay with them and do everything you can to protect them. NOT just to have sex with them.

Various terms have been "invented" for asexual and aromantic people in order to express a wide variety of unique ways they may interact with people. I'm thinking of "squishies", for instance, to define a platonic crush, in comparison to an actual romantic crush.
I know an axesual/aromantic person in real life. She made me realise a few things about different kinds of attractions and the fact they are not necessarily linked: sexual attraction, romantic attraction, coolness attraction (someone may have a "crush" on someone because he looks cool in his own way but doesn't feel anything more).

However, I may have questions anyway.
What happens when an asexual decide to have a romantic relationship with someone who is commonly sexual?
As a healthy relationship means having a healthy sex life, how does it work for both of them?

Well that depends in the ace. Lacking sexual attraction doesnt mean that person can't enjoy sex. Some aces are totally fine with having sex if it means pleasing their partners. Some aren't. I have very little info on sexual relationships mostly because I never had an interest in that.

Tomberry wrote:

What happens when an asexual decide to have a romantic relationship with someone who is commonly sexual?
As an healthy relationship means having an healthy sex life, how does it work for both of them?

As an asexual who has been in this situation and having a friend who is presently going through this situation as well, I can tell you that this typically is not a good scenario to find yourself in. One of the two partners will have to make a sacrifice that potentially makes them very uncomfortable.

There are a lot of special circumstances to get around the issue, though. An open relationship is one, wherein the sexual is free to pursue sexual partners on the side. Also, if the asexual is not averse to sex (many dislike sex, but some asexuals can tolerate doing it) it could also work. You could try libido enhancing drugs on the asexual or chemical castration (non-permanent drug, aka anaphrodesiacs) on the sexual, if you want to go to what some might consider an extreme. And then, some sexuals might be perfectly fine with settling for masturbation.

It all depends upon the temperaments of those involved, but again, from my experience it seems that this type of relationship is difficult to make work and will likely leave one or both partners seeking a way out.

Neat thread. I was surprised to learn that people were surprised to learn that asexuality was a thing, considering it's a logical consequence of the whole "attracted to same gender" and "attracted to opposite gender" axes.

In fact, I feel like that's a better way of thinking about it. And I bet there are a lot of people who have "a little bit of asexuality" (i.e. they don't rate a 10 on either scale, on a scale from 1 to 10) in them.

And I feel like the romantic compatability is also a valid idea that isn't given enough credit. Just because there hasn't been as much research done on the subject doesn't mean it's a completely flawed idea. Human beings are complicated, and especially so are the matters of the heart and attraction. We've only just begun to start seriously researching the topic, compared to, say, pottery.

Can someone please explain to me why anyone really should care either way about asexuality? Everything I've gathered seems to sum up the idea that they are people who don't really have any interest in sex. If they're not playing the game why do people even care?

you just can't win can you

It doesn't matter whether you care, but you should at least know that it exists. Ignorance can and often does lead to suffering. When people don't understand something, they tend to come to their own conclusions and, in their attempt to "help" resolve what they view as a problem, they will often end up hurting somebody. This is where "corrective rape" comes from: because of the misguided belief that sexual attraction comes from sex itself, people will rape asexuals and gays to turn them "normal."

I am not meaning to imply that you would hurt anybody, but merely saying that it is good for more people to know. If you are well educated on the minutia of the sexuality spectrum you can help dispel misconceptions other people might have about the subject when and if it ever comes up in conversation.

Can someone please explain to me why anyone really should care either way about blindness? Everything I’ve gathered seems to sum up the idea that they are people who don’t really percieve the world like we do. If they’re not playing the game why do people even care?

you just can’t win can you

Like Syndic said – neglegiance leads to ignorance, and that in turn can hurt people. The peer pressure and culture in which having sex is blown to an issue of enormous importance doesn't exactly make the life easy for us. People need to realze that we exist, and yeah, it doesn't mean that we are crazy, repressing anything, or incapable of having a romantic drive.

With the LGBT movement doing its thing, a lot of problems and struggles got some spotlight and now people know that calling someone a "homo" is generally not okay.
But what hasn't changed is simply trying to understand or even give a shit about the other people. Now they know what is not cool, but they didn't nessesarily think about it on their own.

{ But what hasn’t changed is simply trying to understand or even give a shit about the other people. }

Seems to me like this soup can mess started because everybody gave a little too much of a shit about understanding other people. How does "ignorance" of asexuality hurt you? You don't want to fuck? Congratulations. What, is seeing sexy advertisement harmful to you because you are completely apathetic to the idea of sex? Peer pressure during high school is ESPECIALLY extra hard on specifically you and your specifically ace life because nobody other than an asexual could ever not want sex?

Asexual has always been one of those totally unnecessary special snowflake labels from my point of view. You need a label, you're celibate, you are abstaining from sex for whatever reason you need to personally justify it to yourself, if you so desperately need a strictly defined and labeled reason other than "I don't want to fuck" at all.

Mainly because a lot of people refuse to acknowledge asexuality as a thing, even people who accept homosexuality will see asexuality as a person "not being right/ill". They see "not wanting to play the game" as intrinsically wrong, a sign of depression, sour grapes etc. and can become really intrusive in that persons life, especially if they are friends and family. Homosexuality people can at least understand more easily, since they still feel sexual attraction but some people can't seem to grasp why some people do not want to experience "the greatest thing ever" and thus try to "cure" their asexuality by forcing them on dates, pressuring them, in extreme examples corrective rape, or simply harass them for being "wrong" Seeing how 'Virgin' is less a term and more of an insult, especially to males, you can see how society as a whole would not be kind to asexuals, especially if they do indeed want to enter a romantic relationship, which can go down in flames due to their asexuality if the partner is unaccepting towards it. Not wanting sex does not always mean not wanting love, which is where the real trouble starts.

I feel the main reason you never really seen attention brought to asexuality as opposed to homosexuality is one, people seem to think it's a myth, and two, there is really now laws or legal troubles they face like homosexuals, but instead a deep seeded social stigma not aimed at them, but still against them that no one acknowledges. It's a problem hidden from public view and thus never addressed. Really, the only thing asexuals need for a better life is people knowing what asexuality is and accepting it without stigma. However, due to the way people treat sex and pretend people who don't want it don't exist, this is a harder thing to accomplish that it would seem. You saying no one should care isn't really helping.

Okay, but because of the nature of its definition it would be stupid to not acknowledge it exists.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual interest essentially, right? Therefore by definition it must exist because unless sexuality is ubiquitous (which would be kind of fucked up in babies) it by logical consequence must exist.

That's my point. The question was rhetorical and more just was pointing out this issue.

Also, to be honest, the problems that asexuals face are pretty minor. Like I explained elsewhere, problems that are not really major enough to be addressed by society are going to be ignored, and problems that are ignored are treated as if they don't exist due to lack of exposure. That's probably why people don't think they exist or that their problems aren't relevant.

After reading these posts, I'm starting to realize that not only are the problems faced by asexuals also faced by anyone who aren't into sex for any other reason, but the origin of a great many of those problems that people are bringing up are of a completely different nature than those faced by people with other sexuality-based labels on them.
1. They aren't really societally endemic.
2. They come from somewhere much broader than this one issue.
Specifically, there are certain folks who just won't take "I just don't like it" for an answer. The question of fucking isn't where this begins and ends, it's just one of many reflections of this attitude. And so ultimately, what I'm inclined to believe is "you can't fix stupid", and thus awareness of asexuality might not serve much of a purpose.

@0.9999…=1

You can't really say though that it would do absolutely no good at all, awareness is bound to at least do SOME good, and that's why I feel it's still good to get that awareness out there.

Like, you can turn around and use that "you can't fix stupid" argument on anything, no doubt there are anti-gay people who are never going to change their beliefs no matter what, but there's still a chance, so why give up when you can try to change it?

I'm of the mind that even slightly more awareness is better than no awareness at all. I know I have some friends who, when they first heard about asexuality were surprised and just "didn't get it", but the more it was explained to them with all the different intricacies they started to get how it worked.

I don't really feel as though people give the power of awareness it's credit, it's why people campaign for as much of it in the media as they do, it's a very powerful thing when done correctly. It gives more people understanding on topics they may not know about or are not otherwise discussed, and helps people to be more thoughtful about different topics.

@twenty-one

He's not really saying that, he's saying more along the lines of what I'm saying which is that the problem originates in stupid people. Asexuality wasn't ever a huge social problem until it started to become one relatively recently (seriously, consider how culture has changed in the last 100 years regarding female promiscuity).

Like, I think what bothers me here about the whole "we gotta do the awareness" spiel is that it's just simplifying a pretty complex problem that's developed pretty recently that's more of a reflection of changes in our sex culture than rather asexuals being ever consider a huge social problem, which is quite unlike other issues.

And ultimately awareness doesn't really mean anything if it's being filed under the other 2 billion things you supposedly have to be aware about. Why should we be aware? Because people are suffering? People suffer all the time without people being aware of it. What makes being aware of asexuals more important than them? What about the bathrooms? And the gorilla? And the plane from a few feeks ago? And Syria?

I know it sounds like I'm being mean by saying "there are bigger problems too" but I'm not really saying that – rather what I mean, is why should someone who doesn't treat asexuals badly, doesn't disregard their existence, have to really consider their problems, when their problems are something that is caused by a pretty recent cultural shift that will likely change again within the next century? Why should I care? I don't hate asexuals. But I don't care about a problem that doesn't cause more than social discomfort because there are seriously bigger fucking fish to fry. Just because it personally affects you or someone you know (theoretically speaking) doesn't mean anything. Why should I care?

And that ultimately is the question you should actually ask – because that's what the people who don't agree with you are asking. Investigate why they should care. So, people, why should these theoretical person care?

Ultimately the answer lies in the fact that society has to prioritize its issues. There are literally billions of microproblems that are occurring in society, it as a whole can only really address the most serious and those that are the biggest threat to the well being of their individuals. Granted, society can be pretty poor at prioritizing issues but issues that similar but far greater marginalized people such as homosexuals are going to receive more priority (as long as they're considered acceptable enough to allow integration into society), simply because the problems they face are more immediate and critical.

[rant incoming]

This is the second thread I'm noticing this attitude towards this "spam awareness" thing. Please don't. There are much more serious issues in the world that are being lost in the cacaphony of all these microproblems we supposedly have to be "aware" about.

Instead, address what you can do to change society to be better and try your best to be a person that allows society to move forward in a positive direction, and encourage others, too. Considering that we can literally fix the asexual problem by saying "don't be a dick to people who don't want to fuck". Besides, if you want to make the world a better place, "awareness" is pretty much the weakest possible thing you can do.

For some reason these days people seem to think that everyone has to be able to have an opinion or answer to every single social justice issue. But let me ask you this: What's your opinion on the phasing out of braille?

Probably nothing, because you know nothing on the subject. But it's a serious issue for deaf-blind people, but on the other side of the conflict are the blind because braille is expensive, often replaced by technology, difficult to learn and sometimes not even an option for a patient. But someone who doesn't know anything would just respond "but of course you don't wanna phase out braille because how will blind people read?" which is so incredibly useless and uneducated that it's borderline offensive to the blind.

And unlike asexuality, anyone can go blind at any point in their life. So take a bit of food for thought. Let the experts do their job, and just don't be a dick to people most of the time and 99% of the time you'll be fine.

Can someone please explain to me why anyone really should care either way about blindness? Everything I’ve gathered seems to sum up the idea that they are people who don’t really percieve the world like we do. If they’re not playing the game why do people even care?

because anyone can go blind and not anyone can be asexual?… When something can happen to anyone people tend to care more just saying. I mean you could get in a car crash tomorrow and be blind for the rest of your life.

So why should I care about how asexuals feel? At least blindness can potentially affect me personally.

There's that question again – and that's again what you have to consider.

You know if we're going to go there though, I'm not blind but I have a related issue that affects my vision, and because of the rarity of my condition and since it affects my visual cortex and not my eyes, I've come to accept the fact that society won't address the serious problems that I face. I can't find medical treatment for what's afflicting me, its hard to continue to pay going to a doctor because I can't receive a diagnosis, and I can't even be legally allowed to use a cane because of my lack of diagnosis. I really can't expect awareness from people though because my issues are quite rare. So… I mean, you can keep bitching about people who are judging you for not wanting to fook but it kind of looks petty in comparison. I'm just trying to tell you literally how it is from the perspective of someone who deals with that crap. It sucks. I get it. But you have to be realistic. People can't drop everything for me because my problem is mainly irrelevant to most of society. Unfortunately asexuality faces similar issues, namely because of the fact the problems are pretty mild in comparison and it's relatively rare.

You can't expect people to care and quite honestly any "activism" is a waste of your time, because its either going to echo to the choir or the people who are listening will just ignore it because the problem is relatively benign.

Like Syndic said – neglegiance leads to ignorance, and that in turn can hurt people. The peer pressure and culture in which having sex is blown to an issue of enormous importance doesn’t exactly make the life easy for us. People need to realze that we exist, and yeah, it doesn’t mean that we are crazy, repressing anything, or incapable of having a romantic drive.

So what you're saying is that the problems that affect asexuals could literally be filed under peer pressure and teaching people to be accepting of their own sexuality, which are both well established groups pretty heavily addressed by society. Asexuality is just an example of either form. That's like saying we should try to fight spraypainting buildings when we're already addressing vandalism.

So why should I care? It's already being taken care of, just not directly.

Now a little note, I don't necessarily agree with the "don't care" mentality, but you need to think about that, because that's exactly what the people who you're fighting are saying. If you really, really, really, really REALLY need someone to actually care about something, then prove it to them, don't just say I should just feel that way because people have feelings and it hurts them, because maybe those problems are rooted in an easier to solve issue.

I never quite understood why one has to say that they're "asexual"

Just say you're not interested if someone wants to have sex and you don't. If you aren't interested in sex as much as others, that's fine.

To me it just seems like pointless self-labeling that attention seeking people like to do. If sex isn't a big priority on your mind, then fine it isn't. Doesn't mean that now you're a completely different from everyone else, because a lot of people don't care about sex that much. That whole spiel about men or women always having sex on their minds is generally used as a joke. No need to announce your disinterest in sex to the general public.

@Twenty-One
"Like, you can turn around and use that “you can’t fix stupid” argument on anything, no doubt there are anti-gay people who are never going to change their beliefs no matter what, but there’s still a chance, so why give up when you can try to change it?"

Did you miss the part where this attitude isn't actually rooted in the issue of sexuality? Unlike with gays and lesbians, where people literally think it's some kind of evil. There you can make all kinds of arguments.

I feel like I should ensure people know that I'm not trying to campaign for any "asexual rights" with this thread. That isn't the problem really. I only meant for this thread to inform people about asexuality and prepare people with information to ensure they don't have any misconceptions. It isn't really about any kind of agenda aside from informing people that "hey, this is a thing that's there, this could be useful information should you meet someone like them." Problems really only arise if you deliberately invalidate their existence. Again, I should reiterate that Trans and gays are the ones that need their rights in the world, we aces already have our rights, what's left is to ensure people acknowledge the existence of asexuality and know that not everyone is capable of feeling sexual or romantic attraction.

Thank you lisa for providing a living example of what I am against. This is what I mean by someone going out of your way to invalidate. You think that asexuality is nothing more than a made up term to make people who choose celibacy to sound like a marginalized group. The comic even points this out. Asexuals are incapable of feeling sexual attraction, its not a choice like with celibacy. The same way homosexuals don't choose to feel attracted to the same gender. Before dismissing a sexuality or gender identity you've never heard of as "tumblr snowflake labels" the first time you hear of them, try doing some fucking research and learn about them before you make any judgement.

Why do you people need "asexual" label? That's sooo special snowflake. Just say that "you do not feel the desire for sex,, with male, female, or anything and that's not your choice". It's much easier!
[/sarcasm]

There is a reason why you don't call darkness "lack of light", cold "lack of heat".
First of all, it's simply handy. You don't have to explain yourself everytime someone asks. It's not a major part of your life, and you keep it this way – My friends know that I am asexual, and it's simply /easier/. Secondly, people rarely threat you like a madman or a loser when you say that you are not interested in sex. Basically, it has a purpose. If someone asks you about your political affilation, do you answer with an essay-like description, or with a "generally, I'm closest to conservative/liberal/alt-right/whathever"?

I do not actively go ahead and tell people that I'm asexual. It's not a major focus in my life. However, when people say that basically I am 'not normal' and 'repressing something' for not having sex, it gets annoying.

That's literally all. It exists. People not acknowledging it can be annoying. It's not something under which my entire world collapses, but rather just a handy term to describe the general lack of sex drive.

I consider myself aromantic to an extent. I usually don't even use that term though because I am a believer in the idea that labels limit what you can become and it's a psychologically sound idea that you try to fit the mold of whatever you make for yourself or others for you. Especially in my case because I am a person who likes to put my problems and bad behaviors on external factors more than I should.

Like I haven't felt romantic attraction in years and the concept of having romance at this point to me is almost silly at this point and I feel so much better off without being dragged down by obsessing over one individual and the highs and lows that come with it.

However, I did feel strong romantic pulls not too long ago and was pulled into them very easily which I believe is the reason I have hardened my emotions to shut out romance so I will no longer experience some of the worst times in my life. And it worked as I am basically "aromantic" now.

I still feel sexual attraction plenty enough however which as Doc pointed out is a spectrum of sexuality and romance. But unlike sexuality I feel romance is more behavioral and in one's head than biological. I could easily experience something in the future (or no experience at all who knows) that will open me back up to romance. I try not to put myself into a box of a label so that my fate can just happen instead of being controlled by my head which while it sounds ideal I'd rather see where I go naturally.

I thought this was interesting to share. Helps explain what finding out what being ace is like.