Forums / Discussion / Serious Debate

I have a friend online who is great to talk to 90% of the time. The trouble is the other 10% of the time, and he gets all passive-aggressive, sometimes out of nowhere.

I generally know how to deal with most of it-- annoy the cold shoulder into submission, derail the leading questions that are needlessly negative out of nowhere, discredit their "privilege shaming" with what they've said in the past that demonstrates they're well off as well, etc.

The only tactic for which I have yet to develop an effective countermeasure is requests to "calm down" when I voice disagreement, negativity, or sometimes just an idea they don't like.

The thing is, 95% of the time, I actually am calm, so I don't really know how to respond. Sometimes it only serves to "un-calm" me which perhaps may be the intended response.
I generally chat to him with text rather than audio or video so nonverbal language isn't an option.

Do any of you have any suggestions? The best I can do is assure him that I actually am calm, but it generally doesn't actually end up getting acknowledged.

And despite what I've said, the guy really is awesome. He just seems to have a grumpy streak that pops up once in a blue moon which I suspect may be a case of projection or something. I really don't want to sever my contact with him.

I just assure people that I am calm and then mock them for assuming I've become unhinged, because the fact that they would assume something as minor and trivial as the subject can cause someone to be roused is pretty telling of their own tolerance. Usually puts them in their place.

I usually use this respond in text form

or a simple "u wut m8"

It's just my way to tell them that I'm calm in ironic way. Not saying you should follow my way. I believe there are nicer responds out there.

Carry on right past it, like it never even happened. You could be hopping up and down screaming at your computer screen while you type, or you could be in a state of Nirvana, if you're not on caps lock and you're making coherent arguments then what difference does it make?

Assure them that you are calm and collected. Also bring up your concern that they are only asking you to remain calm because they disagree with your points.

That is bound to open up much needed dialogue.

Ignore it.

Do what Fresh Dippy does

Quote The Big Lebowski

I simply become more calm.

I think Lisa's approach and explanation is best. Just run with your debate as you saw fit.

But if you just want to stop the comment altogether, then think if there's something that's giving them a reason to think you're upset. For example, anytime I see someone use "fucking" as an adjective, I know they aren't calm. Even if that's their going rate of language, that just means they're always on edge.

So before trying something to put someone in their place (especially if you generally have decent discourse with them,) do check yourself and see if you are upset. But if you really aren't, then there's nothing you can do about it. Just keep on discussing as you were.

Those people pisses me off. He may be awesome to talk to but he's an a**hole. And how do I know that? You see my older brother IS like him. In a conversation HE'S the one who talked and when I didn't agree with him, he pulled his passive aggressive sh*t on me. Once I was just telling him my opinion on a topic and he treated me like I was acting like a smartass. This proves me that he has a superiority complex. If you don't agree with people like him then you must be an idiot, because they're the SMARTEST. I wrote in past tense because I don't talk to that a**hole of a brother of mine anymore.

lovin' your post btw :3

Depends on the situation honestly. If I worry about the social consequences I will probably back down, but usually in debates this sort of thing is actually a really nasty diversion tactic.

Remember not to get too physically emotional in debates, and remember that people often impose their own assumptions of how you feel. Otherwise, ignore the tactic and stick to the point.

Either you can ignore it or just tell them you're calm, but make sure that the topic doesn't get derailed. Maybe you could follow up with asking them why they would ask that when there's the topic at hand. Staying focused on the debate is ultimately what is most important in a situation like this, really.