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Let me tell you a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air. In west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground was where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said "you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air". I begged and pleaded with her day after day, but she packed my suit case and sent me on my way. She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. I put my Walkman on and said, "I might as well kick it". First class, yo this is bad. Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like? Hmm this might be alright. But wait I hear they're prissy, bourgeois, all that. Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat? I don't think so. I'll see when I get there. I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air. Well, the plane landed and when I came out there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out. I ain't trying to get arrested yet. I just got here. I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared, I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Nah, forget it – Yo, homes to Bel Air". I pulled up to the house about seven or eigth and I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later". I looked at my kingdom. I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Back when Army of Two first came out, me and my college roommates, suitemates, were all way too into Halo 3 to really care. I didn't even think Army of Two was on my radar in 2008. My college suitemates would sneak into my room while I wasn't there and play Halo 3 without my permission, on my Xbox, but more importantly, they would look at my DVD collection. I had like 215 DVDs in alphabetical order and they would play a cruel joke where they would move two random titles in different places and see how long it would take me to notice. Yeah, I know that says a lot more about me then it does about them, but I could tell every time that was the joke. I would just scan briefly over my DVDs everyday and see if they had taken one was usually the issue wasn't-I wasn't checking to see if they put them out of order, I was checking because they would turn up MISSING. And then I would track them down and find someone across the hallway who borrowed one without asking and what do you know! The DVD is missing from inside of its jewel case! Where did it go? No one knows. Oh I found it, it's in two pieces now. No, I'm not still angry about that.

let me get one thing fucking straight. im fucking maniacal. im absolutely frantic. im mad-dog. im berzerk . im going wild, fucking insane. im a cycle path. i wake up at 11:30 and drink flat mountain dew. yall actually chew your spaghetti? weak. pathetic. ugly. i swallow it down my slipery gullet like its nothing. i go to kung fu lessons on tuesday and saturday so i can kick your ass. i flung myself into a nyquil-induced 5-hour nap at 2:00 pm and when i woke up i couldnt see so i just went back to bed and when i woke up it was next week

…Let me tell you a story, back when I was a gunnery officer…
I had to aim at an enemy ship 30 kilometers away in the middle of a storm.
The seas were rough that day, and still, I land d one of the two shots.
What do you know of beauty?!

Good Evening Homosexuals,
I am known as Jonathan, and I must admit that a rather strong, negative feeling overwhelms me when I find myself in your presence. Verily, it has become apparent that your group has a weight problem, a rather low I.Q., and suffers from various antisocial disorders, perseverating on an obsession with photography analysis. Your existence is culturally bankrupt and socially infectious. Now, be truthful: do any of you know the ways of a woman? I can understand that such weak egos may lead to public harassment, but the actions committed here are appalling. Such behavior exceeds the stigma of soiled thoughts when viewing the photographs of acquaintances.

I urge all before me to be honest. Attempt an insult, you will find that it is quite difficult. My body and mind are perfectly balanced and completely efficient. I served as the honorable captain of the rugby club, and was one of the most talented members of the polo team in my gentleman's club. If I may inquire, in which activities does the lot of you partake, beyond auto-erotic pleasures in the presence of animated features from the far east? Beyond the aforementioned traits, I have a pristine academic record and a lover whose body was sculpted by angels (her most recent fellation upon my phallus caused an ecstasy greater than all of the queen's gold). Homosexuals such as yourselves would be better off terminating your own lives as a favor to the status quo of the general public.
Picture Related: It is me and my lady who partakes in coitus for the sake of a monetary reward. Also, my lover is to the right.

Great stories, everyone!
(Seriously though. My mental health has taken some dips in the last year-or-so and it turns out I've had chronic depression this whole time.)

I once knew a nigga whose real name was William
His primary concern was makin' a million
Bein' the illest hustler that the world ever seen
He used to fuck movie stars and sniff coke in his dreams
A corrupted young mind at the age of 13
Nigga never had a father and his mom was a fiend
She put the pipe down, but for every year she was sober
Her son's heart simultaneously grew colder
He started hangin' out, sellin' bags in the projects
Checkin' the young chicks, lookin' for hit-and-run prospects
He was fascinated by material objects
But he understood money never bought respect
He built a reputation, 'cause he could hustle and steal
But got locked once and didn't hesitate to squeal
So criminals he chilled with didn't think he was real
You see, me and niggas like this have never been equal
I don't project my insecurities in other people
He fiended for props like addicts with pipes and needles
So he felt he had to prove to everyone he was evil
A feeble-minded young man with infinite potential
The product of a ghetto-bred capitalistic mental
Coincidentally dropped out of school to sell weed
Dancin' with the Devil, smoked until his eyes would bleed
But he was sick of sellin' trees and gave in to his greed

Everyone tryin' to be trife never face the consequences
You probably only did a month for minor offenses
Ask a nigga doin' life if he had another chance
But then again, there's always the wicked that knew in advance
Dance forever with the Devil on a cold cell block
But that's what happens when you rape, murder, and sell rock
Devils used to be God's angels that fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burnin' in the melting pot

So Billy started robbin' niggas, anything he could do
To get his respect back in the eyes of his crew
Startin' fights over little shit up on the block
Stepped up to sellin' mothers and brothers the crack rock
Workin' overtime for makin' money for the crack spot
Hit the jackpot, and wanted to move up to cocaine
Fulfillin' the Scarface fantasy stuck in his brain
Tired of the block niggas treatin' him the same
He wanted to be major like the cut throats and the thugs
But when he tried to step to 'em, niggas showed him no love
They told him any motherfuckin' coward can sell drugs
Any bitch nigga with a gun can bust slugs
Any nigga with a red shirt can front like a Blood
Even Puffy smoked a motherfucker up in the club
But only a real thug can stab someone 'til they die
Standin' in front of them, starin' straight into their eyes
Billy realized that these men were well-guarded
And they wanted to test him before business started
Suggested rapin' a bitch to prove he was cold-hearted
So now he had a choice between goin' back to his life
Or makin' money with made men up in the cyph'
His dreams about cars and ice made him agree
A hardcore nigga is all he ever wanted to be
And so he met them Friday night at a quarter to three

Everyone tryin' to be trife never face the consequences
You probably only did a month for minor offenses
Ask a nigga doin' life if he had another chance
But then again, there's always the wicked that knew in advance
Dance forever with the Devil on a cold cell block
But that's what happens when you rape, murder, and sell rock
Devils used to be God's angels that fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burnin' in the melting pot

They drove around the projects slow while it was rainin'
Smokin' blunts, drinkin' and jokin' for entertainment
Until they saw a woman on the street, walkin' alone
Three in the mornin', comin' back from work, on her way home
And so they quietly got out the car and followed her
Walkin' through the projects, the darkness swallowed her
They wrapped her shirt around her head
And knocked her onto the floor
"This is it, kid, now you got your chance to be raw"
So Billy yoked her up and grabbed the chick by the hair
And dragged her into a lobby that had nobody there
She struggled hard, but they forced her to go up the stairs
They got to the roof and then held her down on the ground
Screamin', "Shut the fuck up, and stop movin' around!"
The shirt covered her face, but she screamed and clawed
So Billy stomped on the bitch until he'd broken her jaw
The dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doin'
They kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped movin'
Blood leakin' through the cloth, she cried silently
And then they all proceeded to rape her violently
Billy was made to go first, but each of them took a turn
Rippin' her up and chokin' her until her throat burned
Her broken jaw mumbled for God, but they weren't concerned
When they were done and she was lyin'
Bloody, broken and bruised
One of them niggas pulled out a brand new .22
They told him that she was a witness of what she'd gone through
And if he killed her, he was guaranteed a spot in the crew
He thought about it for a minute, she was practically dead
And so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head

I'm fallin' and I can't turn back
I'm fallin' and I can't turn back

Right before he pulled the trigger and ended her life
He thought about the cocaine with the platinum and ice
And he felt strong standin' along with his new brothers
Cocked the gat to her head and pulled back the shirt cover
But what he saw made him start to cringe and stutter
'Cause he was starin' into the eyes of his own mother
She looked back at him and cried 'cause he had forsaken her
She cried more painfully than when they were rapin' her
His whole world stopped, he couldn't even contemplate
His corruption had successfully changed his fate
And he remembered how his mom used to come home late
Workin' hard for nothin', because now what was he worth?
He turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
And cryin' out to the sky, 'cause he was lonely and scared
But only the Devil responded, 'cause God wasn't there
And right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
And so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul
They say death takes you to a better place, but I doubt it
After that, they killed his mother, and never spoke about it
And listen, 'cause the story that I'm tellin' is true
'Cause I was there with Billy Jacobs, and I raped his mom too
And now the Devil follows me everywhere that I go
In fact, I'm sure he's standin' among one of you at my shows
And every street cypher, listenin' to little thugs flow
He could be standin' right next to you, and you wouldn't know
The Devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked
White, brown, yellow and black -- color is not restricted
You have a self-destructive destiny when you're inflicted
And you'll be one of God's children that fell from the top
There's no diversity because we're burnin' in the melting pot
So when the Devil wants to dance with you, you better say never
Because a dance with the Devil might last you forever

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

Most of us know Pepsi as a colossus in the beverage industry, the only actual rival to Coca-Cola. But few are aware of the fact that in 1989 the company came in possession of the sixth largest fleet in the world. It was the price of a trade agreement with the Soviet Union.

The soft drink was first introduced on the Soviet market in 1972. It was the first capitalist consumer good to be released on the shelves of the USSR. Because its international monetary value was determined by the government of Moscow, the ruble had virtually no purchasing power in international markets and the company could only be paid in kind. The Russian answer was to use a universal currency: Stolichnaya vodka.

The exchange of vodka with Pepsi (the combination of which is a surprisingly delicious cocktail) worked fine but in 1989 demand exceeded all expectations and vodka supply was not sufficient. The Soviet government did what every reasonable state could do: it sold 17 submarines, one cruiser, one frigate and one destroyer to acquire Pepsi quantities worth of $3 billion. Pepsi eventually did not pursue any expansionist aspirations but sold the fleet to a Swedish company for scrap. Pepsi’s CEO later made the witty comment: "We disarm the Soviets faster than the government!" Marius

so listen up
here's a story
about a little guy
that lives in a blue world
and all day and all night
and every thing he see's is just blue
like him inside and outside
blue his house
with a blue little
and a blue carvet
and everything is blue for him
and him self
and everybody around
cause he ain't got nobody to listen
Im blue (daba dee ba da die) x7
Im blue (daba dee ba da die) x7
I have a blue house with a blue window
blue is the color
of all that I wear
blue all the street and all the trees and show
I have a girlfriend
and she is so blue
you are the people hear that walk around
blue like my girlfriend
standing outside
blue are the words I say and think
blue are the feeling
that inside me
Im blue (daba dee ba da die) x7
Im blue (daba dee ba da die) x7
I have a blue house with a blue window
blue is the color
of all that I wear
blue all the street and all the trees and show
I have a girlfriend
and she is so blue
you are the people hear that walk around
blue like my girlfriend
standing outside
blue are the words I say and think
blue are the feeling
that inside me
Im blue (daba dee ba da die) x7
Im blue (daba dee ba da die) x7

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We was comin’ back from the island of Tinian to Leyte. We’d just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes.

Didn’t see the first shark for about a half-hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin’ from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn’t know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin’ by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and sometimes that shark he go away… but sometimes he wouldn’t go away.

Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t even seem to be livin’… ’til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin’ and your hollerin’ those sharks come in and… they rip you to pieces.

You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don’t know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin’, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson’s mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he’d been bitten in half below the waist.

At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol’ fat PBY come down and started to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945.

Anyway, we delivered the bomb and that's how anime was made.