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hey guys, i'm really hungover (had a pretty wild night last night) but i gotta tell you this story about how being ironic kept me a virgin loser who gets no pussy. it happened last night.

a little background info

me: 24 years old, kissless virgin, graduated with a liberal arts degree that has virtually no work force value because its completely separated from the capitalist system were entrenched in, polished off a two-six of coconut flavored rum based liqueur

her: ~1-2 years younger than me, five out of ten in the dark, just broke up with her boyfriend (he probably beat her or… lol… RAPED her ((lol)) )

so i'm at my friends house for a party and i;m pretty drunk. my friends always invite me to their parties because i always get so drunk that they can pretend i am retarded. i am talking to this girl about ideas i half remember from slavoj zizek movies i watched and she pretends to be interested in them because she can sense i'm a desperately lonely guy. so the night goes on and we flirt a little more and our friends are going downtown and we decide to go.

so we're at this nightclub and i'm dancing with her and some jacked dude bumps into me on the dance floor. my kindle falls out of it's holster and on to the gross floor (i bring my kindle downtown because most nights girls won't dance with me so i read the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy all night until one of my friends drag off with a girl and i cab home with them. i end up paying for the cab and talking to the cabby the whole time while they make out in the back.) so the screen cracks and i get really frustrated. the girl tells me it's alright and we keep dancing. we start kissing and i rub my tongue over the front of her teeth. she pushes herself away and i'm like "haha i'm just joking i'm actually a good kisser but i choose not to be". she gives me a look and walks away. and i dance by myself and do the monkey dance from johnny bravo, and nobody pays attention to me.

so here i am, hungover and with a cracked kindle and still a huge virgin faggot with no life. tell me riff-raff, how do you manage your irony poisoning in your day-to-day life

Go back to bed.

how do you manage your irony poisoning

i dont

Wow man up

you know after a 13 year old who posts on /b/ told me to man up, I decided to change my life for the better

Stick to masturbation boi.

Welcome to real fuckin life, Blubber. This year my mom diagnosed me with autism had a had me moved to special needs class and round of ritalin, the girl I was stalking but too nervous to approach married her abusive baby daddy, I’m barely keeping my pokemon together and indie games on my steam wallet, and the nearest female that would acknowledge me is 2000 miles to the east. Yeah, shit is shitty, we can all throw ourselves a pity party, but I don't like parties because my feet are sore and I'd rather be at home listening to Radiohead. You have to stand up and struggle every day with the rest of the animal kingdom, that’s what it means to be alive.

This is why hipsters are trashj

You think that's bad? My ricochet sperm got on my fedora while I was waiting for the hoverbus and I got 15 years in an isocube.