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i am so sick of my life, i want to end it all but can't do it yet. i feel like i lived long enough, made it to the quarter point. i don't want to go on any further. i am still here only because i live for two other people(my parents), not for my self. i looked at my life retrospectively, and only see a big steaming pile of shit. so many things i wish i never did, or did differently, or opportunities i missed. i feel my fight against my depression is lost, i feel like i resigned. hard to keep living for others when i dont even want to live for my self. i know i am responsible for some of the bad things that happened to me, or others, but some were not my fault. i lacked common sense and wisdom in places where i needed it most. i can't even find joy in the things i used to enjoy doing. i really do not fear death, it's just that it can't come soon enough. i have to crack a fake smile and pretend to be fine when speaking with others, but it is all a lie, and i am sick and tired of lying.

I am no psychologist but I can assure you that there are many people out there who feel the same way as you do. I mean the idea that you missed opportunities, made errors and such. It's in fact pretty common feeling among 20-somethings (I assume you're around 25 given you said "made it to the quarter point"). You might have the feeling that there's no way it can get better, but it can. Despite the appearances (often worsened by the media because obsessed with young people), your "you" at 25 is not your "definitive you" or something. Again, I am not an expert at counseling or something, but I'll just let you know that late bloomers exist. By that example I don't mean that you should necessarily become some famous scientist or novelist or something in your later years, but if you're around 25, there's still many years ahead of you to learn, to experience and to change. Of course the pandemic is also a problem for mental health, but again, you're certainly not the only person feeling like this, and you can seek help.

Bottom line is, don't do something stupid and seek help (as cliché as it can sound). There are many people who were in your situation and could get past their past errors or regrets.

It fits well enough. Feel free to write more if you feel like it

I can appreciate any positive words of encouragement or pep talk but I don't think it really helps, I am like a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean at this point. The way I feel now is not new, I have been like this since earlier in life (it's been on and off but now feels like the apex point). I got no quarter life crisis, it's something worse. No amount of late blooming is going to help. My pain is mental, internal, but can be compared to losing a part of my body, that is never coming back, the damage is done. Sorry for being a defeatist but I am being honest about my situation.

Well it's hard to attempt to give you advice without first asking "what went wrong" precisely, especially if you compare this to losing a limb. Can you be more specific without giving away too many personal details ? Is it something that other people have experienced and/or can relate to ?

i could explain what went wrong, but it is impossible to do without going into too much personal details. and yes i do think it is something some people could relate to, or have experienced it.

I guess seeking professional help might be a hurdle in itself at the moment due to the pandemic, so perhaps you could try out some online boards dedicated to depression (yes, there is a r/depression) with an alt/throw away account. Unless you're comfortable with describing the personal details of the matter here (depends on you): I guess you posted this here first because you think some KYM users can relate. Perhaps you can also give hints at what happened (is it related to work, to relationships, to your health, family… ?) to see if it rings a bell with someone around here.

Anyway, explaining what happened to you to people who can relate (and can maybe share how they went through it) is a first step no matter how I look at it. I don't say it will immediatly get better or something, but usually, keeping your thoughts to yourself because you think it's 100% hopeless is how water keeps getting in the ship.

There is no alternative to actual professional help. See if there is an emergency online or telephone mental health service in your state/province/etc. It won't be as good as being an actual patient, but it will be better than Reddit and will usually be free. If you have a family doctor, you might be able to get a referral to a psychiatrist or other professional who or is able to do remote services.

I don't know how the lockdowns are going where you live, but here psychiatric clinics are considered essential services and are still open, I'm still consulting various times a month and highly recommend it as someone who also suffers from this sort of issue. Just make sure to take the proper cautionary measures if you must go for an in-person consultation (wear your masks, make use of hand sanitizers, avoid close contact with others, etc.)