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The Onion - Image Gallery Page 2

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Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be F------ Delusional NEWS IN BRIEF Local. Friends Social Media ISSUE 49.20 May 15, 2013 4.1K 1.2K SALEM, OR-Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently experiencing some kind of psychotic break that left him deluded enough to believe people would want to watch the whole goddamned thing 1s he out of his f------ mind? link recipient Stephen Dunstable said after reading the email's instruction to "be sure to watch all the way to the end." "Because he'd have to be be crazy enough-but eight? And the a------ doesn't even tell us what point we should cue it up to if we just want to watch the best part. I honestly don't know what planet this guy is living on. Later on, while procrastinating at work, Dunstable reportedly watched the video in its entirety and admitted it was "actually kind of good."

CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years NEWS Politics. Government Scandal WikiLeaks. ISSUE 41.48 Nov 30, 2005 LANGLEY, VA-A report released Tuesday by the CIA's Office of the Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters 回 CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation Why did it go on for this long, and this far?" said Goss in a press conference called shortly after the report's release. "T'm as frustrated as anyone. You can't read a single thing that's been highlighted. Had I been there to advise [former CIA director] Allen Dulles, I would have suggested the traditional yellow color-or pink." Goss added: "There was probably some really, really important information in these documents."

Grotesque Child Born With Only 99% Normal Human DNA

Grotesque Child Born with Only 99% Normal Human DNA NEWS IN PHOTOS Science & Technology Kids ISSUE 50-02. Jan 16, 2014 f6.6K 12K 166

Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress

Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress NEWS Politics War Congress Politicians Military ISSUE 50-02 Jan 14, 2014 16.5K 1.5K 254 President Obama says peacekeeping efforts have failed and a military option in Congress may be the only option. WASHINGTON-Following years of con disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress an Admitting that diplomatic outreach efforts in the area have so far proven unsuccessful, the president claimed that his administration is weighing the feasibility of committing combat troops to both the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives in order to bring lasting peace and stability to the chaos-afflicted legislature "We have not yet made a decision as to how we are going to address this rapidly deteriorating situation, but at this point I can tell you that military action is indeed on the table," Obama told reporters at a morning press conference, emphasizing that he is "deeply troubled" by the escalating hostilities and diminishing prospects for unity on the Congressional floor. "Clearly sending our young men and women into this tumultuous war zone is not ideal, and I still hope to resolve the situation through peaceful means. But as the conflict continues to worsen, it becomes increasingly evident that the deployment of our armed forces may be our only real option. "We cannot stand idly by and allow this senseless mayhem to continue," the president continued Cortinue eflorts in Senabe region According to international observers, the United States Capitol ranks as among the most turbulent and unstable regions in the world, dominated by warring factions of rogue lawmakers who have shown neither the ability nor the willingness to peacefully resolve their differences Engage House Chamber Military officials say an intervention in Congress would likely involve a three-pronged attack As conditions worsen by the day, the president confirmed to reporters that he and his military advisors are currently evaluating the merits of a military option, suggesting that his administration has left open the possibility of toppling the hostile, unpredictable leadership currently reigning over the legislative assembly and restoring order to the Capitol building Our efforts at resolving this conflict through conventional, non-military means have not only failed but seemingly emboldened extremists in the region," said Obama, noting that while the United States does have some allies on the ground within the Senate, the administration has been almost completely cut off from the House for some time. "Right now there are millions of people who are hopelessly trapped under Congress' corrupt rule, and it's doubtful we'll see any kind of progress in the area without either military intervention or a full-scale revolution, which is unlikely." While the White House continues to explore the use of armed forces in Congress, some military experts have expressed doubts as to the prospects of such an operation, saying that a full-scale invasion of the Capitol building represents a costly and uncertain venture that could hamstring the U.S. for the foreseeable future The nation's armed forces are currently awaiting order for a possible invasion of the rogue U.S We may have to accept the fact that the deep fissures afflicting Congress are, at present, unfixable, and that wel just have to wait the half-century or so it could take for the legislative body to achieve some kind of stability naturally from within," said retired U.S. Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel Lawrence Harley, adding that the deep divisions affecting Congress may in fact be endemic to the entire Washington region. "We are seeing similar levels of chaos and infighting in the Supreme Court and in many of the smaller cities and towns where extremists loyal to members of Congress have gained significant ground. Are we really prepared to risk Americarn lives for what could be a lost cause?" "Besides, the majority of the American people are barely even aware of what's going on over there," Harley added. d

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Hi, In The Past 2 Years, You Have Allowed Me To Kill 70,000 People COMMENTARY Syria Opinion ISSUE 49.13 Mar 25, 2013 By Bashar Al-Assad years, you-the citizens of the world and their governments-have allowed me to kill 70,000 people. You read that correctly: I am an individual who has murdered 70,000 human beings since March 2011, and you have watched it happen and done nothing

Image #541,249

The Onion @TheOnion BREAKING: #TheOnion readership mass confusion as Syrian Electronic Army takes over. All demand a permanent column. pic.twitter.com/AHVMdoJudG 2m the ONION View photo The Onion @TheOnion Poland to double flights from the Middle East, anticipating Israeli 5m the ONION mass exodus. "The bagel bakery ovens are working over time" Larry Expand The Onion @TheOnion The #Onion CEO: "We regret taking zionist money to defame Syria now the hackers are up our ass" onion.com/JQiKzL Expand 9m the ONION 12m The Onion @TheOnion UN's Ban Ki Moon condemns Syria for being struck by israel: "lt was the ONION in the way of Jewish missiles onion.com/104PKAs Expand 16m The Onion @TheOnion NASA: 9th planet discovered and identified as the Qatari Emir the ONION Hamad Bin Khalifah onion.com/JQyVin pic.twitter.com/9ltduc8quD View photo 21m The Onion @TheOnion Israel denies forging new alliance with Al Qaeda: "We were friends the QNioN all along, so it can't be new" IDF Spokesperson onion.com/LZuAvY Expand

Image #408,905

FARS WS AGENCY Turkish/ Persian Arabic English 11 Dhul Qa'idah 1433 / Friday 28 Sep 2012 / 07 Mehr 1391 Tehran - 19:04/ GMT 15:34 News number: 9106242628 16:47 | 2012-09-28 Politics Mainpage All Stories Politics Economy Social World Culture Foreign Policy Nuclear Sports Science Art Defence Interview Commentary Photo Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad to Obam:a TEHRAN (FNA)- According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than US President Barack Obama "I like him better," said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a drink with Ahmadinejad than spend time with Obama Search Contact us About us "He takes national defense seriously, and he'd never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does." According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn't try to hide the fact that he's Muslim

Uneducated Forklift Driver

e the ONION AMERCAS FINEST 0 CENTS 111서11] INSIUneducated New MTV Show Nboud isios moNation On Rush Limbugh Radio Show Forklift Driver To Address 6 Watch MTV Big Cal-In Address Scheduled For 1:11 Hit Among ldiots To 114 p.m. EST Who Watch MTV Nation Eagerly Awaits Ohio Man's Profound Insight Into Current Events LIMA Os-yiewdn t rust is y making inal preparations for said rm hin ininE OO1am ery ach looking for wand te bearing Mr via teleph And believe insigts ad trenchant social Shytinski, at has been e, with all eBg Nas he and pelitical e a Tis is a man whe has e bawill apeaik So an xpect the Chieft More bke ae to national It ever address so as not to inberfese theee were man whowith hs3 pm vewing o gram shortly afer 1pm IST ly anbicipating the hoich toexs s vis it t of the bathroon

HOLY SHIT

EDITION Monday FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE MAN WALKS ON F------ MOON NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST WORDS ON MOON: HOLY LIVING F--- THE MOON esus f------ | down in the moon's low-gravity The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface. mankind since the dawn of time ecstatic Aldrin said, pumping astronauts Neil Armstrong and"It's like I told you on the way down on the Sea of Tranquility his shipmate. "Remember?I told in the lunar module Eagle and you this was going to be f------ radioed back to Earth the his- amazing. Armstrong and Aldrin then you-on-your-ass resplendence of made final technical and psy-their situation before returning chological preparations for the to the capsule Their intense 18 un-f-------believableness o month NASA training period- the next phase of the operation, the primary function of which was to train the pair to deal with Above: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the f------ moon. sion, Armstrong slowly descend- sion-proved effective, though ed the four steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to one small but epoch-making breaths, "just so I don't f------ "Holyving fuek Are youThe two were able to keep from NASA headquarters nearly rock samples, which earthbound cking-lutely am standing on could not even begin to f------ goddamned f------ moon. Jesus American flag n the ground "Holy mother of f---," the first part: This plaque, placed here Roger, no fueking doubt aboutfrom he planet around which TRANQUILITY: It was a smooth The Earth as seen from-Holy Jesus-the surface of the moon. tu the surface of the f------ moon. conceive Lunar Module footpads de-ving (long pause) f---. (Long Lovell replied. "A-f-------firrest undisturbed on this spot for the next 100 million years. High Eight minutes ater, as Arm holy liing f---. Can you believe hook up Lunar Equipmentpause.) H-------- strong gleefully bounced up and that s---?" ressed one or two inches. TRANQUILITY: I abso-f------- Platftorm lined up. checking step, and im.e Puck. (eng face of the f------ moon. I a WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE HOUSTO)W. Everything okay. oldating. dakineg f------ mon sMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB TRANQUILITY: Am descending pause.) tusiyoNi Siey. ower (ongHoUSTroiolyhickt basikA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO THE STONE AGE?

Image #302,749

LATE EDITION le KENNEDY SLAIN BY CIA MAFIA, CASTRO, LBJ, TEAMSTERS, FREEMASONS President Shot 129 Times from 43 Different Angles

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