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fleetwoodbrak Follow Aliens are the least of our worries right now but listen to me. Aliens don't want to hurt us but the government is gonna convince us they do and incite worldwide panic and start a real space war to avoid advancing technology for the general population because efficient non oil based energy that the aliens have will crush the capitalist industries that need it to thrive welcome to my ted talk Inalovegd this post so confidently and sincerely made it's point that i had to stop myself checking the news to find out if first contact had happened this morning

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tumblr the muppets ima keep it real with u chief government aliens first contact war deep-fried memes welcome to my ted talk

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fulgur-caligo-custodis kurlyfryz Power move: Next time you go to the airport, bring a bottle of shampoo, but it's filled with yogurt. When they tell you that liquids aren't allowed Drink it Posted in r/madlads by u/ProbablyM_S reddit

lesbianshepard Jul 24 travelling next week for work. googled the nearest city and none of you are prepared to see what passes for the local style pizza. lesbianshepard Jul 24 this should be a crime lesbianshepard Jul 25 #someone needs to die for this #divorced dad type food #is the local chef a 12 year old latchkey kid? #as a new yorker im about to k J elf #abolish all prisons except one for these guys #that is a crime where I'm from #I'm anti regional food variation shaming but this is a crime man #mamma mia. #i took like a deep shuddering breath #i feel nauseous. #oh no they should be shot #literally the closest thing to anti-Italian racism the reviews are in: Pennsylvania must pay for its crimes

theaccidentfactory Follow I explained the concept of "blorbo from my shows" to my 71 year old immigrant grandfather because I referenced it in passing and I thought nothing of it, until today when he said "I think I'll watch peaky blinders tonight and see my blorbo from my shows" referring, of course, to Cillian Murphy playing Tommy Shelby theaccidentfactory English isn't his first language so he's not super in touch with modern slang, so I've been accidentally teaching him to talk like a tumblr user. His favorite thing to say lately is "me when I'm a little hater" when he's like talking s about the neighbor's son

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space cat? book where?

PEARL Amber Straughn @astraughnomer Actually discussed in a virtual meeting today: how to keep cats from accidentally commanding spacecraft while this work is going on in people's homes on laptops instead of inside a cat- free #NASA building #catsofquarantine sariahsue This makes me happy in ways I can't completely describe. ingridverse There was a science fiction short story with that plot. Evil Aliens hit a spaceship full of humans with a paralysis ray before boarding. The ship's cat 1.) wasn't affected 2.) had been entered into the system as a crew member as a joke. So, being the ranking crew member, the cat was in charge. Ship's computer displayed the enemy ships on the tactical command touch screen and the cat swatted at the glowy dots, targeting the ships and activating the defenses. i-fought-space how can you say this and not tell us the name of the story of the author because I AM DESPERATE NOW... kyraneko Everything about this post is causing me to make the same face as that cat. gritsinmisery T HAVE A BOOK THAT STORY IS IN!!!!The story itself is titled "Well Worth the Money" and written by Jody Lynn Nye. The book I have is titled "Cats in Space (and Other Places)" edited by Bill Fawcett and published in 1992 by Baen Publishing Enterprises, distributed by Simon and Schuster. ISBN 0-671-72118-6. EVERY STORY IN THE BOOK IS GREAT, and I suggest if you can lay your hands on a copy you do so. (Warning, the front cover says "In space, no one can hear you meow..." and the back cover says, "Space, the Feline Frontier." Just in case you're allergic to puns or something.)

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The Joy of Pronouncing Words Ending in "Cles" like "Heracles"

| fuckyeahdnd Mitch + @HxOvAx just discovered the joy of pronouncing all words ending with "cles" like "heracles". obstacles. tentacles. motorcycles. testicles. microparticles. popsicles. debacles. i love words and sounds Don't mind me just looking for inspiration for my swords and sandals campaign celtic-pyro Testicles, son of Bophedes, the demigod who was invincible in all but his genitals. Thus was the tragedy of Bophedes' Nuts. Posted in r/tumblr 6 reddit

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Obsessed Uber-fans are the real MVP

bogleech Follow Honestly it is delightful when you look up a piece of media that has very few fans and still find a detailed wiki clearly written by just one person with a strong hyperfixation, like, for real, thank you for being at least one person who appreciates this thing that had so much work put into it and archiving information that could have been lost to time. Thank you for filling most of this cartoon show's story synopsis with a description of the background architecture. There is no sarcasm or irony here, it is enthralling to read someone's unapologetic fascination with something that I wouldn't have ever otherwise considered. 18,633 notes

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GameStop Story

femaleryder I don't think I ever shared this story so l'll share it now. By far THE best interaction I had while working at GameStop was when this older woman, probably in her mid to late 7O's, came in asking for games she could play that were similar to The Witcher 3 because she had completed the entire game, despite hating the game mechanics. When I asked her what she liked about the game that made her want to finish it, she looked me straight in the eye and deadass said, "Geralt." So basically this elderly woman competed every single mission in The Witcher 3 solely because of how hot she found Geralt. I died. And set her up with a copy of Uncharted after she gave Nathan Drake her Hot BoyTM seal of approval. 24,180 notes

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Why make dark theories about kids' cartoons when you can make cute theories about live-action adult shows?

lokiloo I hate hate HATE all those 2edgy 4me theories about kids shows. Like Angelica dreaming up the rugrats, or the ed, edd, and eddy children being ghosts, or literally anything that takes a lighthearted and fun kids show and has to turn it into some tragic take of r--- or murder or misinformed mental illness. So you know what? From now on I'm gonna do the exact opposite. Every cool grim-dark show is now because of a bunch of children. To get us started: Game of Thrones: A middle-school DnD campaign with the most angry, vindictive DM who has promised to kill everyone's player characters (and their family) by the end. dreadwerewolf The Walking Dead is actually a bunch of kids playing zombie apocalypse in their neighborhood and every time someone "dies," it's because their parents called them home for supper. leaveliestotheliars Breaking Bad is actually just a fanfic the students in Mr. White's class write about him because no one has any idea what he does with his free time and the running jokes about it got wildly out of hand.

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Night at the Museum is underrated

E goddessofidiocy okay but why don't more people talk about Night at the Museum like poc characters and people being portrayed by poc people this movie is so good and it has one of the funniest, best, most ridiculous friendships in movie history and you have Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt I mean and if all that didn't convince you there's also a t-Rex skeleton that playa fetch with one of its own ribs THIS MOVIE e cosplayer-m DON'T FORGET THE QUIRKY AND FUNNY IMMORTAL VILLAIN SQUAD LED BY D--- VAN D--- OR THE EASTER ISLAND HEAD THAT LOVED BUBBLEGUM (or, as he called it, gum-gum) OR THE FACT THAT THEIR HISTORICALLY-ACCURATE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DIDN"T SPEAK ENGLISH

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A Vampire and his Human Wife After Years of Marriage

scragon Follow WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY WIFE? IT'S OKAY. years 310 years old 86 DID YOU EAT MY PUDDING? YES. 17 YOU STOP THAT. YOU KNOW IT WONT WOOK ANYWAY. MY PUDDING Vampire and his human wife after years of marriage scragon Follow CHARLES, LETS GO TO MACY'S! NO, YOU HAVE ÉNOUGH CARDIGANS NO, I WANT TO GET SOME FOR YOU! DO YOU? ARE YOU SURE YOU DONT WANT TO BUY THESE FOR ME BUT THEN SLOWLY STEAL THEM FOR YOURSELF? ANSWER ME, CHERYL. Charles took her to macy's old

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Monster assigned to scare child after every other monster quit...

writing-prompt-s You're in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed. One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself. kittenwiskers Case: #273402 Status: Disastrous. I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years, and then she wasn't scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters... I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying! I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte's bed. Across the room underneath Daniel's crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster. I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, I reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so l do it again. "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and... She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With. Ме. "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I do. The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside. I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of my monsters; she's afraid of her own. Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out. "What the.." I cut Francis's next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face. "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity." | promise to him. As Francis runs from the room he soils himself. I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. "I'll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling." Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed.

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ohhhhhhh THIS is the gunch

moonimbued Follow ohhhhhhh THIS is the gunch

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ninety-nine-five: of all the stations in the valley, we're one of them!

a princesshamlet-deactivated20210 once i was driving through the southwest us and i had the radio on and the announcer guy said “ninety-nine-five: of all the stations in the valley, we're one of them!" and i literally cannot stop thinking about this the-kiwi-lady-pendragon It's certainly one the radio stations to exist

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THE LOUDEST AND LONGEST bong hit i have ever heard

larkstonguesinaspicpart1 the funniest thing i've ever heard on a multiplayer online game period was when I was playing competitive overwatch and this dude took THE LOUDEST AND LONGEST bong hit i have ever heard and then said completely without context "my mom's boyfriend is pressing assault charges against me." “why" “for assaulting him" ,99 GG ככ

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Please allow me to consult my two colleagues.......

vampirepsychology Please allow me to consult my two colleagues..

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fleetwoodbrak Follow Aliens are the least of our worries right now but listen to me. Aliens don't want to hurt us but the government is gonna convince us they do and incite worldwide panic and start a real space war to avoid advancing technology for the general population because efficient non oil based energy that the aliens have will crush the capitalist industries that need it to thrive welcome to my ted talk Inalovegd this post so confidently and sincerely made it's point that i had to stop myself checking the news to find out if first contact had happened this morning

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