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Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason POLICE

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the ONION America's Finest News Source Breaking News: The Onion on the verge of collapse after not being able to make up s that is more idiotic than current reality.

NEWS IN BRIEF Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything Published October 10, 2022 | Alerts

me DOOM! www. "A.I. TECHNOLOGY" WILL DECIMATE OUR LIVELIHOODS! GLOOM! O S *LATEST FAD CHICKEN LITTLES * NATIONAL CARTOONIST LEAGUE 2023 CONFERENCE, intimoanis. THE END IS NEAR! 규 000000 SEASONED 4))) PROS DISCREET FLASKS COMPUTER, DRAW ME A CARTOON ABOUT TODAY'S LAZY TEENS WHO REFUSE TO WORK. AND BE SURE TO SIGN IT "KELLY"! PAYCHECK$ $ WHIRRRR "RENDERED" OBSOL-SWEET! BEEP! I WILL OBEY. BOOP! PROGRESS PRINTER O DELIVER TO EDITOR DOO Kelly 2023 ONION SYNDICATE 333 ATUU

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Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate

Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate

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Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex

Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex WASHINGTON-Saying the government was committed to helping military personnel reinforce their existing outward identity, Pentagon officials announced a plan Wednesday that would cover the cost of hormone treatment for servicemembers doubling down on their biological sex. "Effective immediately, the Defense Department will begin financing the hormone therapy of armed forces members who wish to recommit to the sex they were assigned at birth," said Defense Secretary James Mattis, adding that it was only right to provide assistance to soldiers who made the difficult decision to intensify the characteristics of the body they currently possess with a protocol of testosterone injections. "U.S. military health plans will now fully compensate any serviceman who would feel more comfortable-indeed, feel truly themselves-if his body hair was twice as thick and his voice was twice as deep as it is currently." Mattis went on to say that female soldiers, meanwhile, were ineligible for the plan but could occasionally take a dose of testosterone if they wanted. C

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The old joke

MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik's Cube Complete r. 2 CAMBRIDGE Mass.-A "This represents a major turn. team of MIT physicists breakthrough," said exhaust- "It was the classic example of announced Sunday that it has ed, red-knuckled project being too close to a problem to completed the vital third side leader Dr. Cedric Stephens. see the solution," Barstow of the Rubik's Cube, bringing "With this critical triad com- said. "Only by stepping back it ever closer to solving the pleted, there is reason to and rethinking our whole way believe we can complete the of looking at the cube could we 3 puzzle. final sides by perhaps even ultimately move forward." December of this year." 1000 0100 R=r, r 56=[ 0011 Barstow said it is "too soon to The scientists credited the tell" if this strategic shift breakthrough to a shift in their could be applied to other approach to the multi-colored hand-held twist puzzles, cube. Previously, they had including the Snake, Pyraminx focused their efforts on the and Missing Link. center-most square on each If the MIT team completes the tormula. nsI 4 The cube, pictured with the MIT team's theoretical completion Nation's Asylums Privatized; Millions of side of the puzzle. But team Rubik's Cube, its members will Rubik Institute officials, it w was University of Tokyo similarly be the first people in the world discovered that the German claimed to have solved the ever to do so. A team of scientists had illegally puzzle last month, but he, too, Berlin physicists removed the stickers and reap- was exposed as a fraud when plied them in their proper he was found to have pulled the cube apart and snapped it member Dr. Jim Barstow sug- Lunatics Set Free to Fend for Selves restebether Tiu Banatow FLg ested the group on the four outer corners while closely monitoring the position ity of Univers reported solving the puzzle PAGE 11D of each square on the reverse last November, but, upon close places. side of the cube during each examination of the cube by J Japanese scientist at the back together correctly.

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Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump

ELECTION 2016 ★ MORE ELECTION COVERAGE Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald 'Truump NEWS IN BRIEF November 10, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 44 Politics Election 2016 Donald Trump

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Unfortunately, this isn't satire. Yes, Hillary did just buy The Onion.

Home Terms and Conditions Disclaimer LIVE STREAM Subscribe to Our Newsletter Privacy Policy About Us Contact Us The Free Thought Projeot.com Free Minds, Free People 18 HOME #SOLUTIONS POLICE BRUTALITY FOREIGN AFFAIRS CHECK BACKGROUND RECORDS GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION FILMING COPS Feb ABOUT US CONTACT US DISCLAIMER LIVE STREAM PRVACY POLICY SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER Search Free Thought Project <> niversity of Texas Announces They Will Allow Students to Carry Handguns into Classrooms Hillary's Top Donor Just Bought The Onion- Started Publishing Propaganda Immediately By Claire Bernish on February 18, 2016e e Paid Content: 169 125 43 56 8-1 init Reddit Tweet Email Share Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring Natural Trick For Restoring Hair Color Stops Grey Hair New Multi-Vitamin NEWS IN BRIEF February 16, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 06 Politics Politicians Hillary Clinton Election 2016 A Seduction Technique Women Can't Resist Simple Trick To Make Anyone Your Girlfriend the ONIO 3 Simple Steps To Fat Hormone Get Any Woman To Stops Women From Obsess Over You Losing Weight

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The Onion Has Got It Right

Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now

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It's OP

Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F--- Up Every Time MARCH 7, 2011 1ISSUE 47-10 I MORE NEWS

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Be sure to poke holes so they can breath

MENU dthe ONION SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks SEARCH a TOP HEADLINES SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks NEWS IN PHOTOS November 10, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 45 News Business Animals MORE FROM ONION, INC. New iPhone Geared Towards College- Aged Girls Comes With Pre-Shattered S... The Onion Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares The Onion Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts The Onion Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old P-------- The Onion

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Government to confiscate one person's guns

Government To Confiscate One Person's Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm Tllns AT GENT The ATFsaysfinding outjust how apoplectic the nation's gun owners become will be well worth the raid's$19 million price tag. WASHINGTON-Saying they can't wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation's most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.

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Security Hacks

Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It NEWS IN PHOTOS Local Technology Internet ISSUE 50 31 Aug 7, 2014 Share on Twitter gt Share on Facebook 27.1K 885 242

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A important life lesson

HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling Revenge' In Blood In Conference Room NEWS IN BRIEF September 12, 2014 VOL 50 ISSUE 36 Local Mental Health Workplace ONION VIDE JEFFREYP TOP NEWS 6-Year-Old Dat:a Entertaining Off Agencies SPOKANE, WA-After the eighth such incident this year, Vista Consulting Partners human resources director Beth Shumaker sent out a company-wide email Thursday reminding employees not to scrawl the word "revenge" in blood across any surface in the conference room. "Most of you are already familiar with this rule, but just as a refresher, it's directly against company policy for an employee to use blood to write revenge' on the conference room walls, door, or table," wrote Shumaker, emphasizing that it did not matter if the word was rendered in human or animal blood. "Remember that we all use this room, and it's inconsiderate to force your colleagues to delay their meeting to scrub revenge' off the whiteboard or windows." Shumaker added that any employee who wanted revenge should simply carve the word into the forehead of his or her supervisor.

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The Onion is two for two.

Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don't You? theonion.com

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The Onion - Now everybody wish real hard

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Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason POLICE

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